Think Healing Before Divorce

Many individuals come to my practice ambivalent as to whether or not they should pursue a divorce. Some say they are ready despite being in a very poor emotional state and with no plan for life after the breakup. It is understandable to seek out change when pain exists. The trouble with divorce, however, is not so much that it is never justifiable, it's that it does not address the most significant issues- most notably, the internal changes that need to accompany a change which is packed with a multitude of ramifications. Relationships which are high in conflict can mask the fact that individuals need to create a new mindset whether they choose to remain married or get divorced. When working with individuals I try to help clients shift there focus from "stay or go" to how to heal and feel empowered again. In essence, it is important to slow the mental train down and consider the changes that need to be made now regardless of the decisions that may ensue later. There is no doubt that for some a divorce will lift a heavy burden off their shoulders, and in some rare cases involving safety concerns it is a must. Yet it is important that the burden not be transferred to another part of their lives. For example, a woman who is certain she wants a divorce because she has been disconnected emotionally from her husband for years may feel instant relief by finally divorcing. However, if she has not learned to become more assertive herself,and express her feelings in healthier ways, this issue is likely to recycle itself in the next relationship. Marriages as well as other committed relationships need a greater awareness that conflict is not the wedge blocking couples closenness. It is how couples approach conflict that is most telling of its capacity to create closeness or fuel more heartache. In considering a divorce, it is important to think about how you can heal yourself and create a newer mindset that may allow for the decision to become more clear.

Pre-Marriage Counseling for Prevention and Protection

Couples who ride the wave of emotional and physical closeness do not tend to look at the idea of counseling as a preventive measure. Rather, they view therapy as something off in the distance needed only by those in crisis. However, marriages that long to thrive as opposed to merely survive are treated with maintenance and care throughout. According to Bryon Remo, M.Ed., LMFT, relationships go through many different transitions over the course of time. Couples that stay connected are aware that challenging times are a natural part of relationship development. Relationships that consider pre-marital counseling have an opportunity to engage in conversations that most couples avoid. Participating in pre-marriage counseling gives a relationship an opportunity to anticipate life circumstances that are likely to occur and create dialogue around effective ways to approach such events. Life transitions such as having children, experiencing illness, job loss, financial hardship and death are essential topics that couples typically put off until they are immersed in such. Remo notes that couples who have the courage to discuss these delicate topics are better positioned to manage them down the road. Couples have styles of communicating which over the course of time either brings them closer together or creates more distance in their relationship. During the course of pre-marriage counseling, couples will learn their patterns of communicating, how they can learn from each other and how they can get “unstuck” when conflict ensues. Bryon Remo emphasizes couples needing to learn how to hit a “reset” button with their partner. Much of the pain the couples experience has little to do with what they are arguing about and more to do with an unwillingness to forgive, reflect and reset. Pre-marital therapy allows couples an awareness of the healing power of “do-overs” and how maintaining a pulse on your relationship can allow for a tolerance and understanding of the benefit of conflict that most couples seek only to avoid. Bryon Remo is a licensed marriage and family therapist (LMFT)practicing in Southbury, CT. He specilizes in creating emotional closeness with couples and supporting challenging adolescent issues. Remo serves the communities of Southbury, Watertown, Oxford, Brookfield, Monroe, Naugatuck, Woodbury, Roxbury, Bridgewater, Danbury, Thomaston, Seymour, West Hartford and Farmington.

Couples That Understand the Benefit of Silence

After a stressful day at work including endless traffic jams to endure before arriving home, talking is sometimes the last thing of interest to a mentally beaten down spouse. The couch, pillow, wine and a soft shoulder is what the doctor orders for these days.

These are the days that don't always seem to make sense and may seem to lack purpose. Is it really possible that your 20 minute grinder was the only reprieve from a day filled with annoying requests, annoying people and annoying everything else?

The return home on these days is a reminder of how home is the great escape, the sanctuary, the place of tranquility; where sanity can be restored. There is not always a need to process the day with one's spouse, especially if the day...well, sucked. A better intervention may simply be a state of quiet nothingness- no words, no thoughts, just being. A little pinot noir could be useful, but going backwards in dialogue does not always bring relief to the anguished partner. Spouses who have a keen pulse on their partner's needs can often sniff out the day's tension without having to prod. This 6th sense brings much relief to the spouse who merely wants to pretend he/she is not employed, if only for a moment.

Relationships often ebb and flow according to the ability of a coupleship to gauge what's needed at a given point in time. Whether a couple is married, dating or courting, there is a mental plugging in that allows these couples to stay conscious of each other's needs without having to say much at all; sometimes even nothing.

Bryon Remo is a licensed marriage and family therapist practicing in Southbury, CT.

Relationships: What Bothers Men Most?

It is widely agreed upon by both genders today that we are wired differently. Not dramatically (although that is debatable), but in certain ways that can cause unnecessary frustration if not recognized. Men DO NOT like to mind read! They are painfully aware that doing such adds another layer to whatever is currently at play.

When a man and woman seem to be in a good place there is a natural flow they both share. But when a woman becomes frustrated with her partner, the flow can be interrupted.

Of course she has every right to express her frustration, anger or disappointment. But unfortunately she does not always do such. And here lies the place of frustration for men.

Among couples, men are likely to assume that if an issue is not brought to the table, then there is no issue(at least not of pressing importance). Yet this is not always the case with women, who will often stow away matters of importance for an undisclosed time that she deems most relevant. This frightens men as it often unravels and reveals itself unexpectedly. When men appear dumbfounded because of their statute of limitations thinking, they can appear foolish and insensitive as oppossed to merely confused.

To be fair, men can be selfish, inconsiderate and mindless, and thus deserving of whatever words may come their way. But when these words come in delayed and random fashion, it not only creates more tension, but creates a new conflict that runs the risk of drowning out the old. This unintended consequence prevents important matters from being discussed in a collaborative way. And the very goal that a woman may have in helping her husband understand her, now gets lost.

Being assertive and more timely is necessary to know that each partner is on the same page. A child is not given time-out for something they did two days ago. Men and women need to be responsive to each other's concerns; and men are more likely to plug-in when they are not forced to connect the dots. They are okay with being humbled- they just want it in direct form.

Bryon Remo, M.Ed., LMFT

Couples Who Create Change in Therapy

Couples often come motivated to counseling desiring change. Only the change they desire is solely from their partner. They often fail to view their relationship as a shared responsibility and because of this it creates a competitive element. They lobby hard to sell their virtuosity to a therapist who is only going to level the playing field despite their efforts to polarize the process.

When couples enter therapy with a willingness to be influenced by their partner the possibilities for change become greater. There is a hopeful spirit that tends to surround couples who believe that each is going to do whatever is necessary to mobilize their relationship.

As couples begin sharing their story, it is easy to assess what their intentions are whether or not they are clear in their explanation. There is a way of communicating that is easy to predict whether or not change is possible. When couples are able to provide a space for their partner to voice his/her concerns and can validate such despite disagreeing with it, then optimism begins to permeate the room.

Couples who create change in therapy are those who become increasingly comfortable with tension and do not become paralyzed by it. They are able to see disagreements as opportunities for closeness and understanding as oppossed to threats to their closeness. They are able to view conflict in a way that motivates them to become curious of their partner's view of the world.

Is There Such Thing as Healthy Arguing?

Is There Such Thing as Healthy Arguing?

Healthy arguing is NOT the absence of arguing- as some might be wishing for. It is arguing with a shared purpose.

To argue is to care. It is to fight for something that you feel strongly about. There is no need to feel guilty for engaging in such a struggle.

However, arguing can often feel as if your partner is attacking or undermining your thoughts instead of considering why you feel so strongly in the first place.

Healthy couples are able to maintain a mindfulness of the greater importance of their relationship more than the mere benefit of winning an argument. They are able to see from their partner's perspective and give it as much attention as their own. These couples are not void of emotion- they are so aware of the emotions of their partner that they are able to both argue their point of view and simultaneously keep the pulse of their loved one in mind.

Arguing one's point of view does not mean being the "sacrificial lamb." It simply means that there is an awareness that both people have a need to be influential, and when arguing takes a combative approach, it is nearly impossible to care about another's perspective.

Couples who have the shared purpose of understanding are able and willing to engage in ANY conflict because they know that their voice will be respected no matter what the disagreement. This is not to suggest that these couple resolve all of their arguments. Instead, they are able to stay emotionally connected and recognize that their relational attachment is greater than any one issue in time. This allows them to use words with care.



"It is better to leave angry words unspoken than to mend a heart those words have broken."

Working with Hurried People

As a family therapist I am uniquely trained to track the patterns of individuals, couples or families, identify them, interrupt them and help folks develop new insights and opportunities for change. This can often be done quickly, depending on the motivation and willingness of clients. Yet therapy was not historically a quick process- it has evolved to meet the growing demands of change-oriented people in a quick fix world. This is not to suggest that change is not possible in a short period of time as it is and can be quite powerful when people are ready to make that committment. However, when individuals or couples desire change quickly, yet look for a therapist revelation or technique that will finally turn their sinking ship around, they are often in for a rude and frustrating awakening.

Although there are many things that can be done at lightning speed today and at very little hassle for people, they often expect therapy to be no different. Yet therapy by its very essence is an invitation to explore oneself and one's place in their many life contexts. This cannot be done quickly because so many of the painful patterns that exist with clients were developed over the course of several years, if not decades. There are dramatic moments at times yet this is the exception not the rule. Most people need to take a bit of inventory prior to trying on some new hats and experiencing the possibilities that await their changed lives. Those who are seeking quick fixes often find themselves frustrated and constantly searching for that therapist whose gonna give them that trendy intervention or quick fix that will provide them mere symptom relief, yet not sustain them over time.