Calling it Quits Too Soon

Couples today experience a multitude of stressors that compound existing marital conflict that often makes the idea of calling it quits seem appealing. Of course most couples are not quick to dissolve a marriage without at least entertaining some solutions even if they seem to repetitively miss the mark. Yet many others have little tolerance for the inevitable conflict that has the potential to create a deeper connection between couples.

Bryon Remo, M.Ed.,notes that couples who exhaust their options prior to choosing to part are often better positioned emotionally to accept their decision moving forward. When a couple decides to separate or divorce with little attempt at intervention they typically report feeling a sense of guilt or seller's remorse at not having done everything they can to save their marriage.

Many couples wait to seek counseling once their relationship is already beyond repair. Seeing a therapist when one has already checked out is sometimes a way to clear one's conscience when it could be an opportunity to hit a marital reset button and start anew. Not all relationships should be presevered, especially those in which chronic abuse or neglect may exist. However, Remo suggests that calling it quits too soon disallows couples the ability to learn what could not only be saved, but also something wonderful disquised within the mask of frustration.


Bryon Remo, LMFT, M.Ed, practices in Southbury, CT and specializes in working with couples and challenging adolescent issues.

Think Healing Before Divorce

Many individuals come to my practice ambivalent as to whether or not they should pursue a divorce. Some say they are ready despite being in a very poor emotional state and with no plan for life after the breakup. It is understandable to seek out change when pain exists. The trouble with divorce, however, is not so much that it is never justifiable, it's that it does not address the most significant issues- most notably, the internal changes that need to accompany a change which is packed with a multitude of ramifications. Relationships which are high in conflict can mask the fact that individuals need to create a new mindset whether they choose to remain married or get divorced. When working with individuals I try to help clients shift there focus from "stay or go" to how to heal and feel empowered again. In essence, it is important to slow the mental train down and consider the changes that need to be made now regardless of the decisions that may ensue later. There is no doubt that for some a divorce will lift a heavy burden off their shoulders, and in some rare cases involving safety concerns it is a must. Yet it is important that the burden not be transferred to another part of their lives. For example, a woman who is certain she wants a divorce because she has been disconnected emotionally from her husband for years may feel instant relief by finally divorcing. However, if she has not learned to become more assertive herself,and express her feelings in healthier ways, this issue is likely to recycle itself in the next relationship. Marriages as well as other committed relationships need a greater awareness that conflict is not the wedge blocking couples closenness. It is how couples approach conflict that is most telling of its capacity to create closeness or fuel more heartache. In considering a divorce, it is important to think about how you can heal yourself and create a newer mindset that may allow for the decision to become more clear.

Pre-Marriage Counseling for Prevention and Protection

Couples who ride the wave of emotional and physical closeness do not tend to look at the idea of counseling as a preventive measure. Rather, they view therapy as something off in the distance needed only by those in crisis. However, marriages that long to thrive as opposed to merely survive are treated with maintenance and care throughout. According to Bryon Remo, M.Ed., LMFT, relationships go through many different transitions over the course of time. Couples that stay connected are aware that challenging times are a natural part of relationship development. Relationships that consider pre-marital counseling have an opportunity to engage in conversations that most couples avoid. Participating in pre-marriage counseling gives a relationship an opportunity to anticipate life circumstances that are likely to occur and create dialogue around effective ways to approach such events. Life transitions such as having children, experiencing illness, job loss, financial hardship and death are essential topics that couples typically put off until they are immersed in such. Remo notes that couples who have the courage to discuss these delicate topics are better positioned to manage them down the road. Couples have styles of communicating which over the course of time either brings them closer together or creates more distance in their relationship. During the course of pre-marriage counseling, couples will learn their patterns of communicating, how they can learn from each other and how they can get “unstuck” when conflict ensues. Bryon Remo emphasizes couples needing to learn how to hit a “reset” button with their partner. Much of the pain the couples experience has little to do with what they are arguing about and more to do with an unwillingness to forgive, reflect and reset. Pre-marital therapy allows couples an awareness of the healing power of “do-overs” and how maintaining a pulse on your relationship can allow for a tolerance and understanding of the benefit of conflict that most couples seek only to avoid. Bryon Remo is a licensed marriage and family therapist (LMFT)practicing in Southbury, CT. He specilizes in creating emotional closeness with couples and supporting challenging adolescent issues. Remo serves the communities of Southbury, Watertown, Oxford, Brookfield, Monroe, Naugatuck, Woodbury, Roxbury, Bridgewater, Danbury, Thomaston, Seymour, West Hartford and Farmington.

Making Time Not Excuses- Bryon Remo Primer on Marriage & Happiness!



Work, kids and social commitments place great demands on couples. Often unintentional, the busyness of life can squash a marriage. One day, couples look at their spouses and see strangers because the spark of courtship is long gone or a wall of resentment replaces the loving feelings they once shared. Wise couples stop making excuses and choose to prioritize their marital relationships in the midst of daily life.

Modern communication tools make it easier than ever for couples to stay in touch. Bryon Remo, M.Ed., LMFT who practices in Southbury, CT, notes that consistent emails, tweets or texts give couples greater satisfaction with their spouses. Couples who seem to have little time need to be more creative with staying connected. A simple smiley face or a thank you for taking out the garbage creates positive feelings and reminds the spouse of their beloved.

Additionally, couples who spend physical time together feel emotionally connected to their spouse. Date nights at home or on the town without the kids are a requirement for couples who wish to nurture their marriage. Couples also nurture their relationship when they share coffee in the morning, go to bed at the same time, find mutually fulfilling hobbies and write love letters.

Regular counseling also improves a couple’s emotional connection. Remo notes that by talking about feelings, thoughts and issues, couples prevent minor irritations from developing into major resentments, bitterness or divorce. Making an investment in routine counseling prioritizes the relationship, promotes peace and connects couples amidst the busyness of daily life.

Bryon Remo is a licensed marriage and family therapist specializing in couples issues and challenging teenage behaviors. He serves the communities of Southbury, West Hartford, Watertown,Woodbury, Seymour, Monroe, Naugatuck, Torrington, Thomaston, Roxbury, Bridgewater and Danbury, Connecticut.

The Importance of Treating Depression

Depression is like a dark hole that threatens to swallow a person. Plagued by overwhelming sadness, wearied from responsibilities and unable to find pleasure in normal activities, a depression sufferer often feels paralyzed. Professional help is needed to prevent the sufferer from losing his job, turning away from family or quitting life.

People of all ages suffer from depression. Men, women and children can feel the effects of sadness and fatigue in their daily lives.According to Bryon Remo, M.Ed., LMFT, who practices in Southbury, Connecticut, depression can be quite manageable, but if left untreated can overwhelm a person's entire life. Depression primarily manifests itself through withdrawal, lethargy, disinterest, sadness or anger. The specific symptoms and depth of feelings differ between patients.

While depression may debilitate a person, it can be treated with therapy. After recognizing the symptoms of depression, a patient who agrees to undergo counseling can discover the sources of the dark feelings. He or she can move toward healing with helpful techniques suggested during counseling.

Remo notes that because everyone’s depression symptoms are different, a therapist creates a customized plan for each patient. In addition to medication, social support, nutrition, exercise and stress reduction help a patient manage depression symptoms.

In some cases, depression may be caused by an underlying medical condition. Underactive thyroid or medication interaction mimics depression. A professional therapist can diagnose the source of depression, prescribe a successful plan of action, and bring healing and hope to each patient.

Identifying an effective therapist makes the difference between finding healing and staying stuck. When choosing a professional therapist, look for a caring and supportive listener who connects personally with the patient. Clients are not looking for a book smart psychologist void of any emotional connectedness. They want to feel understood and cared for.

Depression affects thousands of patients each year. Instead of suffering with the sadness and fatigue, seek help. Find answers and healing with professional therapy assistance, and move forward with life.

Bryon Remo, M.Ed., LMFT, specializes in working with couples and challenging adolescent issues.

He serves the communities of Southbury, West Hartford, Oxford, Watertown, Monroe, Seymour, Roxbury, Naugatuck, Woodbury, Bridgewater,Thomaston and Danbury.

Bryon Remo Primer on Creating a New Experience for Teens in Therapy

Not surprisingly, teens are often the most difficult population to try and get into the counseling office.

It is not so much that they have little to say, it is that they have an erroneous perspective as to what effective therapy can look like. According to Bryon Remo, M.Ed., LMFT, who specializes in working with teenagers in Connecticut, teens are looking for a different experience than what predominately exists. Sure therapists all offer a safe, confidential and supportive environment; that is par for the course. But today's teenagers are looking for a therapy experience that is much more honest and "real" than previously occurred. This means that they desperately want to know that a therapist "gets it."

Teens do not want to attend therapy in many ways because they do not believe a therapist will truly remain unbiased. According to Remo, teens are also worrried that they are going to be grilled with endless questions prompting them to open up in ways they are not ready for. It is important that teens feel that their view of the world is understood before they can be challenged to consider an alternative perspective.

Too often today parents want to see change quickly in their adolescents and assume the therapist will wave the magic wand that brings about such dramatic change. And although therapists have many tools at their disposal it is the relationship that always trumps the interventions in order of importancy. Teens need to know that they are fully accepted.

According to Bryon Remo, teenagers today want to know that they are not going to have to be so appropriate in therapy. They do not want to have to monitor each word that comes off their lips for fear of being judged as being inappropriate. When a therapist is able to speak the language of a teenager it does not suggest an endorsement of behavior unbecoming, but rather an acknowledgement that their style of communicating is recognizable and workable to the therapist. A therapist needn't be "cool" to connect well with kids, he/she just needs to know what's really on their radar.

Bryon Remo, M.Ed., LMFT is a licensed marital and family therapist practicing in Southbury, CT. He specializes in couples closeness and challenging adolescent issues. He serves Southbury,Watertown, Oxford, Monroe, Seymour, West Hartford, Naugatuck, Farmington,Thomaston and Southington, CT.

Bryon Remo Primer on Creating Relationship Change Today!

Couples that enter therapy often assume that either there is a quick fix solution to their marital woes or they are in for a long arduous road. The truth is that both ideas are accurate. There are quick fixes that can impact one's relationship today and there are things that will simply need time to be experienced and sustained (i.e. rebuilding trust, emotional closeness and safety).

Bryon Remo, M.Ed., LMFT notes that when couples stop analyzing their relationship and start "doing" things to improve it, they are speeding up the process of closeness. It is nice to have some insight into one's relationship but it is simply not enough to move it in a new direction- action must ensue. According to Remo, couples who simply take the risk of doing one small but conscious deed for their partner daily can have something to build upon that is not based on empty words. Couples often lack enough positive experiences to keep them grounded. When they begin to make little efforts to connect, it often leads to becoming comfortable taking greater risks.

It is often the case that couples will balk at such efforts because they feel that their problems are on a much deeper level. And although this is often true, there is a need to keep connecting while working through the layers that may need to be shed in order for even greater change to occur. Bryon Remo's work with couples encourages both individuals to work toward creating a shared vision of how they want their relationship to look. When couples begin with a fantasy, it slowly moves from unimaginable to possible sometimes much sooner than they realize.

Bryon Remo, M.Ed., LMFT practices in Southbury, CT
http://www.ctfamilycounseling.com/

Couples That Understand the Benefit of Silence

After a stressful day at work including endless traffic jams to endure before arriving home, talking is sometimes the last thing of interest to a mentally beaten down spouse. The couch, pillow, wine and a soft shoulder is what the doctor orders for these days.

These are the days that don't always seem to make sense and may seem to lack purpose. Is it really possible that your 20 minute grinder was the only reprieve from a day filled with annoying requests, annoying people and annoying everything else?

The return home on these days is a reminder of how home is the great escape, the sanctuary, the place of tranquility; where sanity can be restored. There is not always a need to process the day with one's spouse, especially if the day...well, sucked. A better intervention may simply be a state of quiet nothingness- no words, no thoughts, just being. A little pinot noir could be useful, but going backwards in dialogue does not always bring relief to the anguished partner. Spouses who have a keen pulse on their partner's needs can often sniff out the day's tension without having to prod. This 6th sense brings much relief to the spouse who merely wants to pretend he/she is not employed, if only for a moment.

Relationships often ebb and flow according to the ability of a coupleship to gauge what's needed at a given point in time. Whether a couple is married, dating or courting, there is a mental plugging in that allows these couples to stay conscious of each other's needs without having to say much at all; sometimes even nothing.

Bryon Remo is a licensed marriage and family therapist practicing in Southbury, CT.

Balancing Family Life with "Me" Time

Contemporary families are struggling in many ways- from making ends meet, to managing the schedules of several children, to finding the time to eat even one meal together per week, it is no surprise how couples feel strained and spent at the end of each week. To further complicate the universe, there is a need for each partner in a marriage or coupleship to have a little "me" time- hopefully free of guilt. This often gets cut from the budget and comes at a price tag that is difficult to gauge.

Having some time to cultivate individual desires outside of family life is often essential for couples to remain solidified. Although this may rightfully take the back seat to family obligations, for those who have personal passions, they needn't wait until their kids are fully launched to steal some time to themselves. Balancing family time with couples' time, along with individual time, is important for kids and spouses to remember that all parts of life need nurturing; and when they are completely abandoned, no matter how justified, they cannot help but suffer on some level.

Couples that talk openly and honestly about their needs are better able to create the time needed for some individual pursuits. Many times it is not a matter of how much time a member of a coupleship may have to him/herself that is important as much as it is about a mindfulness that each partner has about the other's personal pursuits. Couples that recognize the limitations of time are able to carefully schedule so that it doesn't get viewed as selfish or impossible. They view it as a key ingredient toward each being a better spouse, parent and family member.

Having a little "me" time often allows a parent to feel recharged and more capable of handling stressful circumstances that at times accompany family life. Hopefully couples that want to improve their marriage do not use their alone time to avoid marital/family issues, but rather to allow them the space to decompress and return more loving.



Bryon Remo CT, M.Ed., LMFT
http://www.ctfamilycounseling.com

Bryon Remo is a licensed marriage and family therapist serving Southbury, Newtown, Middlebury, Watertown, Oxford, Bridgewater, Roxbury, Monroe, Woodbury and other surrounding communities near Northern New Haven and Fairfield counties, Connecticut.

Couple Closeness

There are many ways for couples to maintain closeness. Through caring gestures, patience and compassion couples show each other daily how important they are to one another. There are a myriad of ways to show that you love your partner. Yet one concept seems to stand out among all when determining which couples are likely to be truly happy- the ability to forgive.

Being able to forgive one's partner is a way of saying that the relationship is always more essential than any hurtful action. It is a way of showing an awareness of the human condition. It is also a way in which couples see the opportunity in conflict. Many couple's view arguing as another black mark on the eventual demise of their marriage, when in actuality it could do the opposite. It could be the argument that leads to the understanding necessary for closeness. Marriages often succeed or fail based on how conflict is viewed. Marital therapy can help couples see the importance of becoming comfortable with conflict.

Bryon Remo, M.Ed., LMFT
http://www.remocounseling.citymax.com/bryon_remo_services_1.html

Bryon Remo practices in Southbury, CT and serves West Hartford, Farmington, Watertown, Oxford, Monroe, Roxbury, Naugatuck and other surrounding communities.

Couples Who Create Change in Therapy

Couples often come motivated to counseling desiring change. Only the change they desire is solely from their partner. They often fail to view their relationship as a shared responsibility and because of this it creates a competitive element. They lobby hard to sell their virtuosity to a therapist who is only going to level the playing field despite their efforts to polarize the process.

When couples enter therapy with a willingness to be influenced by their partner the possibilities for change become greater. There is a hopeful spirit that tends to surround couples who believe that each is going to do whatever is necessary to mobilize their relationship.

As couples begin sharing their story, it is easy to assess what their intentions are whether or not they are clear in their explanation. There is a way of communicating that is easy to predict whether or not change is possible. When couples are able to provide a space for their partner to voice his/her concerns and can validate such despite disagreeing with it, then optimism begins to permeate the room.

Couples who create change in therapy are those who become increasingly comfortable with tension and do not become paralyzed by it. They are able to see disagreements as opportunities for closeness and understanding as oppossed to threats to their closeness. They are able to view conflict in a way that motivates them to become curious of their partner's view of the world.

Is There Such Thing as Healthy Arguing?

Is There Such Thing as Healthy Arguing?

Healthy arguing is NOT the absence of arguing- as some might be wishing for. It is arguing with a shared purpose.

To argue is to care. It is to fight for something that you feel strongly about. There is no need to feel guilty for engaging in such a struggle.

However, arguing can often feel as if your partner is attacking or undermining your thoughts instead of considering why you feel so strongly in the first place.

Healthy couples are able to maintain a mindfulness of the greater importance of their relationship more than the mere benefit of winning an argument. They are able to see from their partner's perspective and give it as much attention as their own. These couples are not void of emotion- they are so aware of the emotions of their partner that they are able to both argue their point of view and simultaneously keep the pulse of their loved one in mind.

Arguing one's point of view does not mean being the "sacrificial lamb." It simply means that there is an awareness that both people have a need to be influential, and when arguing takes a combative approach, it is nearly impossible to care about another's perspective.

Couples who have the shared purpose of understanding are able and willing to engage in ANY conflict because they know that their voice will be respected no matter what the disagreement. This is not to suggest that these couple resolve all of their arguments. Instead, they are able to stay emotionally connected and recognize that their relational attachment is greater than any one issue in time. This allows them to use words with care.



"It is better to leave angry words unspoken than to mend a heart those words have broken."

How to Determine the Length of Therapy

Many times clients want a sense of how long they will need to be in therapy. Of course they have the freedom to leave at any moment or session that they choose to never return again- thus, it depends predominately on them. However, for those that entrust the wisdom of therapists there should be a distinction made between those clients that are highly motivated to change and those that are simply appeasing others. For the latter I would suggest less than one session and for the former, an agreed upon time frame can be useful when trying to target goals. This can hold people accountable for trying to genuinely create change outside the therapy walls. However, for those that appreciate the ebb and flow of therapy and the uncertainties in life that keep structured work from always making sense, a time frame may not be a useful concept. In the age of Quick Fixes, it is good practice for therapists to suggest the possibilities that can exist in short and long term treatment. This can then be paired with a client's desire for a timetable or not. I do think their is a place for establishing a time frame- however, this can put an unnecessary pressure on both client and therapist alike. What makes more sense is to have a timetable to take stock of the process of change as oppossed to the achievement of specific goals. The nature of goal setting can be quite productive, so long as it allows for the flexibility to shift gears if the therapy calls for such.

Cheers,

Bryon Remo
Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist
Southbury, CT

Specializing in Couples and Adolescent Issues.

Working with Hurried People

As a family therapist I am uniquely trained to track the patterns of individuals, couples or families, identify them, interrupt them and help folks develop new insights and opportunities for change. This can often be done quickly, depending on the motivation and willingness of clients. Yet therapy was not historically a quick process- it has evolved to meet the growing demands of change-oriented people in a quick fix world. This is not to suggest that change is not possible in a short period of time as it is and can be quite powerful when people are ready to make that committment. However, when individuals or couples desire change quickly, yet look for a therapist revelation or technique that will finally turn their sinking ship around, they are often in for a rude and frustrating awakening.

Although there are many things that can be done at lightning speed today and at very little hassle for people, they often expect therapy to be no different. Yet therapy by its very essence is an invitation to explore oneself and one's place in their many life contexts. This cannot be done quickly because so many of the painful patterns that exist with clients were developed over the course of several years, if not decades. There are dramatic moments at times yet this is the exception not the rule. Most people need to take a bit of inventory prior to trying on some new hats and experiencing the possibilities that await their changed lives. Those who are seeking quick fixes often find themselves frustrated and constantly searching for that therapist whose gonna give them that trendy intervention or quick fix that will provide them mere symptom relief, yet not sustain them over time.