Pre-Marriage Counseling for Prevention and Protection

Couples who ride the wave of emotional and physical closeness do not tend to look at the idea of counseling as a preventive measure. Rather, they view therapy as something off in the distance needed only by those in crisis. However, marriages that long to thrive as opposed to merely survive are treated with maintenance and care throughout. According to Bryon Remo, M.Ed., LMFT, relationships go through many different transitions over the course of time. Couples that stay connected are aware that challenging times are a natural part of relationship development. Relationships that consider pre-marital counseling have an opportunity to engage in conversations that most couples avoid. Participating in pre-marriage counseling gives a relationship an opportunity to anticipate life circumstances that are likely to occur and create dialogue around effective ways to approach such events. Life transitions such as having children, experiencing illness, job loss, financial hardship and death are essential topics that couples typically put off until they are immersed in such. Remo notes that couples who have the courage to discuss these delicate topics are better positioned to manage them down the road. Couples have styles of communicating which over the course of time either brings them closer together or creates more distance in their relationship. During the course of pre-marriage counseling, couples will learn their patterns of communicating, how they can learn from each other and how they can get “unstuck” when conflict ensues. Bryon Remo emphasizes couples needing to learn how to hit a “reset” button with their partner. Much of the pain the couples experience has little to do with what they are arguing about and more to do with an unwillingness to forgive, reflect and reset. Pre-marital therapy allows couples an awareness of the healing power of “do-overs” and how maintaining a pulse on your relationship can allow for a tolerance and understanding of the benefit of conflict that most couples seek only to avoid. Bryon Remo is a licensed marriage and family therapist (LMFT)practicing in Southbury, CT. He specilizes in creating emotional closeness with couples and supporting challenging adolescent issues. Remo serves the communities of Southbury, Watertown, Oxford, Brookfield, Monroe, Naugatuck, Woodbury, Roxbury, Bridgewater, Danbury, Thomaston, Seymour, West Hartford and Farmington.

Is There Such Thing as Healthy Arguing?

Is There Such Thing as Healthy Arguing?

Healthy arguing is NOT the absence of arguing- as some might be wishing for. It is arguing with a shared purpose.

To argue is to care. It is to fight for something that you feel strongly about. There is no need to feel guilty for engaging in such a struggle.

However, arguing can often feel as if your partner is attacking or undermining your thoughts instead of considering why you feel so strongly in the first place.

Healthy couples are able to maintain a mindfulness of the greater importance of their relationship more than the mere benefit of winning an argument. They are able to see from their partner's perspective and give it as much attention as their own. These couples are not void of emotion- they are so aware of the emotions of their partner that they are able to both argue their point of view and simultaneously keep the pulse of their loved one in mind.

Arguing one's point of view does not mean being the "sacrificial lamb." It simply means that there is an awareness that both people have a need to be influential, and when arguing takes a combative approach, it is nearly impossible to care about another's perspective.

Couples who have the shared purpose of understanding are able and willing to engage in ANY conflict because they know that their voice will be respected no matter what the disagreement. This is not to suggest that these couple resolve all of their arguments. Instead, they are able to stay emotionally connected and recognize that their relational attachment is greater than any one issue in time. This allows them to use words with care.



"It is better to leave angry words unspoken than to mend a heart those words have broken."