Bryon Remo Primer on Creating Relationship Change Today!

Couples that enter therapy often assume that either there is a quick fix solution to their marital woes or they are in for a long arduous road. The truth is that both ideas are accurate. There are quick fixes that can impact one's relationship today and there are things that will simply need time to be experienced and sustained (i.e. rebuilding trust, emotional closeness and safety).

Bryon Remo, M.Ed., LMFT notes that when couples stop analyzing their relationship and start "doing" things to improve it, they are speeding up the process of closeness. It is nice to have some insight into one's relationship but it is simply not enough to move it in a new direction- action must ensue. According to Remo, couples who simply take the risk of doing one small but conscious deed for their partner daily can have something to build upon that is not based on empty words. Couples often lack enough positive experiences to keep them grounded. When they begin to make little efforts to connect, it often leads to becoming comfortable taking greater risks.

It is often the case that couples will balk at such efforts because they feel that their problems are on a much deeper level. And although this is often true, there is a need to keep connecting while working through the layers that may need to be shed in order for even greater change to occur. Bryon Remo's work with couples encourages both individuals to work toward creating a shared vision of how they want their relationship to look. When couples begin with a fantasy, it slowly moves from unimaginable to possible sometimes much sooner than they realize.

Bryon Remo, M.Ed., LMFT practices in Southbury, CT
http://www.ctfamilycounseling.com/

Couples Therapy for Maintenance

Many couples view therapy as a sign of weakness of their marriage being in trouble. Yet for many couples, the idea of regularly tuning up their marriage with some added insight, improved communication and action is often a small price to pay to maintain marital longevity.

Bryon Remo,licensed marital and family therapist, practicing in Southbury, Connecticut notes that, "Couples who engage in preventive counseling are often able to recognize that problems are an essential part of life and that maintaining closeness during times of trial is important for long term stability." They do not view conflict as a threat to their marriage, but instead see it as an opportunity for closeness. Couples counseling allows individuals to feel that they can weather whatever storm comes their way.

Couples that seek out therapy services are essentially feeding their marriage the gift of understanding, patience and giving. Most people who come to counseling are doing so in the aftermath of repeated patterns that have not shifted. They no longer see hopefulness going it alone. And yet, once they participate in counseling and can maintain an awareness of their desired outcomes, they often do quite well. This is true when ownership and willingness is high.

Bryon Remo strongly suggests that couples learn to play "tug o' war on the same side of the rope." That is to suggest that they view conflict as a shared problem as oppossed to a competitive process.

Bryon Remo, M.Ed., LMFT
Licensed Marital and Family Therapist

Creating the Right Energy for a Healthy Divorce

Bryon Remo Primer on a Healthy Divorce

For long couples have stayed married for fear of harming their children, being alone, having their financial efforts crumble or avoiding ugly litigation that does further damage. Many parents do not realize that there are alternative ways to proceed during a divorce that has an outcome that is healing and helpful in moving forward.

Bryon Remo, a licensed marital and family therapist, notes that couples who long for a healthy divorce recognize that divorce should not be reduced to the pursuit of meeting one’s own needs and avoiding getting “screwed” as much as possible. Instead, it can be a collaborative and soul-searching process in which both parties realize that they needn’t be defined by their divorce. It can be shaped by the positive energy they put into creating a peaceful and empowering outcome. According to Remo, when couples recognize that their kindness and unselfishness empowers them, they often begin to feel a sense of confidence that divorce needn’t feel so ugly. Couples who use their divorce as an instrument for their own personal change often emerge on the other side a better person, parent and partner to their once spouse.To get to that end require a willingness to change old thought habits.

Bryon Remo suggests that couples who reinvent their relationship are able to do so because they use their painful past to assist their desired present. They come to understand hurtful words not merely as weapons but as information informing them of what’s still unfinished in their mindset. Creating a healthy divorce means caring about the process more that perhaps having ever cared about the marriage. Although this may sound odd, there is a need to use the process of divorce as a vehicle toward growth, not something that needs to be done as quickly as painlessly as possible. Remo further suggests that emotions serve as a source of illuminating what is needed in the process. Couples therapy can often help those pursuing divorce recognize that they can each truly find their best self through the process, not after its completion.

Bryon Remo is licensed marital and family therapist specializes in couples and adolescent issues. He practices in the Southbury, Connecticut area.When Bryon is not supporting families he is typically enjoying his own family, hiking, playing tennis, and performing stand-up comedy.

To learn more about Bryon Remo’s work go to the following links:

http://www.ctfamilycounseling.com/bryon_remo_index.html
http://www.bryonremo.blogspot.com/
http://bryonremo.wordpress.com/
http://bryonremo.weebly.com/
http://workface.com/e/bryonremo
http://bigsight.org/bryon_remo

Couples That Understand the Benefit of Silence

After a stressful day at work including endless traffic jams to endure before arriving home, talking is sometimes the last thing of interest to a mentally beaten down spouse. The couch, pillow, wine and a soft shoulder is what the doctor orders for these days.

These are the days that don't always seem to make sense and may seem to lack purpose. Is it really possible that your 20 minute grinder was the only reprieve from a day filled with annoying requests, annoying people and annoying everything else?

The return home on these days is a reminder of how home is the great escape, the sanctuary, the place of tranquility; where sanity can be restored. There is not always a need to process the day with one's spouse, especially if the day...well, sucked. A better intervention may simply be a state of quiet nothingness- no words, no thoughts, just being. A little pinot noir could be useful, but going backwards in dialogue does not always bring relief to the anguished partner. Spouses who have a keen pulse on their partner's needs can often sniff out the day's tension without having to prod. This 6th sense brings much relief to the spouse who merely wants to pretend he/she is not employed, if only for a moment.

Relationships often ebb and flow according to the ability of a coupleship to gauge what's needed at a given point in time. Whether a couple is married, dating or courting, there is a mental plugging in that allows these couples to stay conscious of each other's needs without having to say much at all; sometimes even nothing.

Bryon Remo is a licensed marriage and family therapist practicing in Southbury, CT.

Relationships: What Bothers Men Most?

It is widely agreed upon by both genders today that we are wired differently. Not dramatically (although that is debatable), but in certain ways that can cause unnecessary frustration if not recognized. Men DO NOT like to mind read! They are painfully aware that doing such adds another layer to whatever is currently at play.

When a man and woman seem to be in a good place there is a natural flow they both share. But when a woman becomes frustrated with her partner, the flow can be interrupted.

Of course she has every right to express her frustration, anger or disappointment. But unfortunately she does not always do such. And here lies the place of frustration for men.

Among couples, men are likely to assume that if an issue is not brought to the table, then there is no issue(at least not of pressing importance). Yet this is not always the case with women, who will often stow away matters of importance for an undisclosed time that she deems most relevant. This frightens men as it often unravels and reveals itself unexpectedly. When men appear dumbfounded because of their statute of limitations thinking, they can appear foolish and insensitive as oppossed to merely confused.

To be fair, men can be selfish, inconsiderate and mindless, and thus deserving of whatever words may come their way. But when these words come in delayed and random fashion, it not only creates more tension, but creates a new conflict that runs the risk of drowning out the old. This unintended consequence prevents important matters from being discussed in a collaborative way. And the very goal that a woman may have in helping her husband understand her, now gets lost.

Being assertive and more timely is necessary to know that each partner is on the same page. A child is not given time-out for something they did two days ago. Men and women need to be responsive to each other's concerns; and men are more likely to plug-in when they are not forced to connect the dots. They are okay with being humbled- they just want it in direct form.

Bryon Remo, M.Ed., LMFT

Balancing Family Life with "Me" Time

Contemporary families are struggling in many ways- from making ends meet, to managing the schedules of several children, to finding the time to eat even one meal together per week, it is no surprise how couples feel strained and spent at the end of each week. To further complicate the universe, there is a need for each partner in a marriage or coupleship to have a little "me" time- hopefully free of guilt. This often gets cut from the budget and comes at a price tag that is difficult to gauge.

Having some time to cultivate individual desires outside of family life is often essential for couples to remain solidified. Although this may rightfully take the back seat to family obligations, for those who have personal passions, they needn't wait until their kids are fully launched to steal some time to themselves. Balancing family time with couples' time, along with individual time, is important for kids and spouses to remember that all parts of life need nurturing; and when they are completely abandoned, no matter how justified, they cannot help but suffer on some level.

Couples that talk openly and honestly about their needs are better able to create the time needed for some individual pursuits. Many times it is not a matter of how much time a member of a coupleship may have to him/herself that is important as much as it is about a mindfulness that each partner has about the other's personal pursuits. Couples that recognize the limitations of time are able to carefully schedule so that it doesn't get viewed as selfish or impossible. They view it as a key ingredient toward each being a better spouse, parent and family member.

Having a little "me" time often allows a parent to feel recharged and more capable of handling stressful circumstances that at times accompany family life. Hopefully couples that want to improve their marriage do not use their alone time to avoid marital/family issues, but rather to allow them the space to decompress and return more loving.



Bryon Remo CT, M.Ed., LMFT
http://www.ctfamilycounseling.com

Bryon Remo is a licensed marriage and family therapist serving Southbury, Newtown, Middlebury, Watertown, Oxford, Bridgewater, Roxbury, Monroe, Woodbury and other surrounding communities near Northern New Haven and Fairfield counties, Connecticut.

Divorce, Parenting and Paying Attention to What's Unspoken

Most parents are painfully aware of the difficulties their children experience when going through a divorce. Because of this awareness they will often spend more time with them, become more patient, and be less inclined to yell when upset. Despite these efforts though, there is one thing that many good parents overlook- listening.

Parents are often quick to try and change how their unhappy child is feeling.

When a parent suggests to their child that there is no reason to be upset because they are at Disney World, disables them from truly understanding their child's internal world. Disney (or any other fun place) is not a guarantee of happiness! Most children grow up believing that a mother and father will both be an intricate part of their daily lives. A child coping with divorce may have mood fluctuations that are not always identifiable. The child who quickly become sad when boarding a Mickey Mouse ride in the absence of his father, may be so because of a link between something they had previously done with their father. Parents need to know when to listen, when to probe and when to accept sadness as a normal and healthy part of the human condition.

Teaching children that sadness is okay to experience is essential so that they needn't feel that the only permissible form of expression is happiness. Kids experiencing divorce should be permitted to share the full range of emotions that often accompanies transitions. Recognizing that a child is likely to experience erratic behavior patterns should give parents an awareness that they should not expect predictability during this time. Keeping a pulse on one's own feelings during these times is important to be able to interact in the most appropriate way during times of child distress. Parents who anticipate the possibility of their child's emotional rollercoaster are better positioned to be helpful to them when a difficult moment occurs. The key intervention is perhaps no intervention at all- it may be making your ears become as big as Mickey's.


Bryon Remo, M.Ed., LMFT
Licensed Marital & Family Therapist



Bryon Remo CT practices in Southbury,CT and serves West Hartford, Farmington, Watertown, Oxford, Woodbury, Monroe, Seymour, Naugatuck and other surrounding communities.