Creating the Right Energy for a Healthy Divorce

Bryon Remo Primer on a Healthy Divorce

For long couples have stayed married for fear of harming their children, being alone, having their financial efforts crumble or avoiding ugly litigation that does further damage. Many parents do not realize that there are alternative ways to proceed during a divorce that has an outcome that is healing and helpful in moving forward.

Bryon Remo, a licensed marital and family therapist, notes that couples who long for a healthy divorce recognize that divorce should not be reduced to the pursuit of meeting one’s own needs and avoiding getting “screwed” as much as possible. Instead, it can be a collaborative and soul-searching process in which both parties realize that they needn’t be defined by their divorce. It can be shaped by the positive energy they put into creating a peaceful and empowering outcome. According to Remo, when couples recognize that their kindness and unselfishness empowers them, they often begin to feel a sense of confidence that divorce needn’t feel so ugly. Couples who use their divorce as an instrument for their own personal change often emerge on the other side a better person, parent and partner to their once spouse.To get to that end require a willingness to change old thought habits.

Bryon Remo suggests that couples who reinvent their relationship are able to do so because they use their painful past to assist their desired present. They come to understand hurtful words not merely as weapons but as information informing them of what’s still unfinished in their mindset. Creating a healthy divorce means caring about the process more that perhaps having ever cared about the marriage. Although this may sound odd, there is a need to use the process of divorce as a vehicle toward growth, not something that needs to be done as quickly as painlessly as possible. Remo further suggests that emotions serve as a source of illuminating what is needed in the process. Couples therapy can often help those pursuing divorce recognize that they can each truly find their best self through the process, not after its completion.

Bryon Remo is licensed marital and family therapist specializes in couples and adolescent issues. He practices in the Southbury, Connecticut area.When Bryon is not supporting families he is typically enjoying his own family, hiking, playing tennis, and performing stand-up comedy.

To learn more about Bryon Remo’s work go to the following links:

http://www.ctfamilycounseling.com/bryon_remo_index.html
http://www.bryonremo.blogspot.com/
http://bryonremo.wordpress.com/
http://bryonremo.weebly.com/
http://workface.com/e/bryonremo
http://bigsight.org/bryon_remo

Maintaining Closeness With Little Free Time

If you live outside of Fairfield County, CT or Orange County, NY, and happen to commute to NYC each day, there is a great chance that you and the person you love do not spend the kind of time together you had imagined when daydreaming on the beach. Spending nearly 4 hours in some mode of transportation each day challenges couples to come up with creative ways to stay connected. And, to be sure, there are numerous ways to communicate (i.e. cellphones & social media); but none have the same feel as when you are in the presence and embrace of your lover.

Couples, therefore, have to invent ways to maintain closeness where little free time exists. It is not, however, as if time does not exist. It is how time is delegated despite its limited amount. Although there are some professions that are more demanding than others, those with limited time must maximize that which they have access to. For example, each morning there is an opportunity to set the alarm clock 15 minutes earlier for brief, but loving intimacy, chatter or coffee with your spouse. Not much, I know, but in creating sustaining relationships, it is often the small experiences that represents the glue which keeps love alive despite the race against the clock. When entering the door, there is often a need to decompress. This can be done through taking a hottub, watching t.v., checking emails, surfing the net, eating, etc. Or........connecting with your partner. And perhaps doing any of the above with them. Again, little time, but it is a choice how that time will look and feel.

It would seem essential for couples where one dwells in a vehicle for 1/10 of his or her existence  to take care of one's health, to allow for the energy needed to stay truly present when arriving home after dinner hours. If life is reduced to work, whereby post-work becomes the "tired hours," then little closeness is likely to take place. Research shows that adults who exercise on a regular basis and maintain quality nutrition typically require less sleep than their counterparts. This adds up to free time with one's partner where others may already be snoring.

I am always interested in hearing people's thoughts on how they find ways to stay close to one another. I would love to hear your feedback that I would be happy to spread.

Cheers to love! :)

Bryon
http://www.remocounseling.com/

How to Determine the Length of Therapy

Many times clients want a sense of how long they will need to be in therapy. Of course they have the freedom to leave at any moment or session that they choose to never return again- thus, it depends predominately on them. However, for those that entrust the wisdom of therapists there should be a distinction made between those clients that are highly motivated to change and those that are simply appeasing others. For the latter I would suggest less than one session and for the former, an agreed upon time frame can be useful when trying to target goals. This can hold people accountable for trying to genuinely create change outside the therapy walls. However, for those that appreciate the ebb and flow of therapy and the uncertainties in life that keep structured work from always making sense, a time frame may not be a useful concept. In the age of Quick Fixes, it is good practice for therapists to suggest the possibilities that can exist in short and long term treatment. This can then be paired with a client's desire for a timetable or not. I do think their is a place for establishing a time frame- however, this can put an unnecessary pressure on both client and therapist alike. What makes more sense is to have a timetable to take stock of the process of change as oppossed to the achievement of specific goals. The nature of goal setting can be quite productive, so long as it allows for the flexibility to shift gears if the therapy calls for such.

Cheers,

Bryon Remo
Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist
Southbury, CT

Specializing in Couples and Adolescent Issues.