After a stressful day at work including endless traffic jams to endure before arriving home, talking is sometimes the last thing of interest to a mentally beaten down spouse. The couch, pillow, wine and a soft shoulder is what the doctor orders for these days.
These are the days that don't always seem to make sense and may seem to lack purpose. Is it really possible that your 20 minute grinder was the only reprieve from a day filled with annoying requests, annoying people and annoying everything else?
The return home on these days is a reminder of how home is the great escape, the sanctuary, the place of tranquility; where sanity can be restored. There is not always a need to process the day with one's spouse, especially if the day...well, sucked. A better intervention may simply be a state of quiet nothingness- no words, no thoughts, just being. A little pinot noir could be useful, but going backwards in dialogue does not always bring relief to the anguished partner. Spouses who have a keen pulse on their partner's needs can often sniff out the day's tension without having to prod. This 6th sense brings much relief to the spouse who merely wants to pretend he/she is not employed, if only for a moment.
Relationships often ebb and flow according to the ability of a coupleship to gauge what's needed at a given point in time. Whether a couple is married, dating or courting, there is a mental plugging in that allows these couples to stay conscious of each other's needs without having to say much at all; sometimes even nothing.
Bryon Remo is a licensed marriage and family therapist practicing in Southbury, CT.
Monday, November 21, 2011
Monday, October 17, 2011
Relationships: What Bothers Men Most?
It is widely agreed upon by both genders today that we are wired differently. Not dramatically (although that is debatable), but in certain ways that can cause unnecessary frustration if not recognized. Men DO NOT like to mind read! They are painfully aware that doing such adds another layer to whatever is currently at play.
When a man and woman seem to be in a good place there is a natural flow they both share. But when a woman becomes frustrated with her partner, the flow can be interrupted.
Of course she has every right to express her frustration, anger or disappointment. But unfortunately she does not always do such. And here lies the place of frustration for men.
Among couples, men are likely to assume that if an issue is not brought to the table, then there is no issue(at least not of pressing importance). Yet this is not always the case with women, who will often stow away matters of importance for an undisclosed time that she deems most relevant. This frightens men as it often unravels and reveals itself unexpectedly. When men appear dumbfounded because of their statute of limitations thinking, they can appear foolish and insensitive as oppossed to merely confused.
To be fair, men can be selfish, inconsiderate and mindless, and thus deserving of whatever words may come their way. But when these words come in delayed and random fashion, it not only creates more tension, but creates a new conflict that runs the risk of drowning out the old. This unintended consequence prevents important matters from being discussed in a collaborative way. And the very goal that a woman may have in helping her husband understand her, now gets lost.
Being assertive and more timely is necessary to know that each partner is on the same page. A child is not given time-out for something they did two days ago. Men and women need to be responsive to each other's concerns; and men are more likely to plug-in when they are not forced to connect the dots. They are okay with being humbled- they just want it in direct form.
Bryon Remo, M.Ed., LMFT
When a man and woman seem to be in a good place there is a natural flow they both share. But when a woman becomes frustrated with her partner, the flow can be interrupted.
Of course she has every right to express her frustration, anger or disappointment. But unfortunately she does not always do such. And here lies the place of frustration for men.
Among couples, men are likely to assume that if an issue is not brought to the table, then there is no issue(at least not of pressing importance). Yet this is not always the case with women, who will often stow away matters of importance for an undisclosed time that she deems most relevant. This frightens men as it often unravels and reveals itself unexpectedly. When men appear dumbfounded because of their statute of limitations thinking, they can appear foolish and insensitive as oppossed to merely confused.
To be fair, men can be selfish, inconsiderate and mindless, and thus deserving of whatever words may come their way. But when these words come in delayed and random fashion, it not only creates more tension, but creates a new conflict that runs the risk of drowning out the old. This unintended consequence prevents important matters from being discussed in a collaborative way. And the very goal that a woman may have in helping her husband understand her, now gets lost.
Being assertive and more timely is necessary to know that each partner is on the same page. A child is not given time-out for something they did two days ago. Men and women need to be responsive to each other's concerns; and men are more likely to plug-in when they are not forced to connect the dots. They are okay with being humbled- they just want it in direct form.
Bryon Remo, M.Ed., LMFT
Wednesday, October 5, 2011
Balancing Family Life with "Me" Time
Contemporary families are struggling in many ways- from making ends meet, to managing the schedules of several children, to finding the time to eat even one meal together per week, it is no surprise how couples feel strained and spent at the end of each week. To further complicate the universe, there is a need for each partner in a marriage or coupleship to have a little "me" time- hopefully free of guilt. This often gets cut from the budget and comes at a price tag that is difficult to gauge.
Having some time to cultivate individual desires outside of family life is often essential for couples to remain solidified. Although this may rightfully take the back seat to family obligations, for those who have personal passions, they needn't wait until their kids are fully launched to steal some time to themselves. Balancing family time with couples' time, along with individual time, is important for kids and spouses to remember that all parts of life need nurturing; and when they are completely abandoned, no matter how justified, they cannot help but suffer on some level.
Couples that talk openly and honestly about their needs are better able to create the time needed for some individual pursuits. Many times it is not a matter of how much time a member of a coupleship may have to him/herself that is important as much as it is about a mindfulness that each partner has about the other's personal pursuits. Couples that recognize the limitations of time are able to carefully schedule so that it doesn't get viewed as selfish or impossible. They view it as a key ingredient toward each being a better spouse, parent and family member.
Having a little "me" time often allows a parent to feel recharged and more capable of handling stressful circumstances that at times accompany family life. Hopefully couples that want to improve their marriage do not use their alone time to avoid marital/family issues, but rather to allow them the space to decompress and return more loving.
Bryon Remo CT, M.Ed., LMFT
http://www.ctfamilycounseling.com
Bryon Remo is a licensed marriage and family therapist serving Southbury, Newtown, Middlebury, Watertown, Oxford, Bridgewater, Roxbury, Monroe, Woodbury and other surrounding communities near Northern New Haven and Fairfield counties, Connecticut.
Having some time to cultivate individual desires outside of family life is often essential for couples to remain solidified. Although this may rightfully take the back seat to family obligations, for those who have personal passions, they needn't wait until their kids are fully launched to steal some time to themselves. Balancing family time with couples' time, along with individual time, is important for kids and spouses to remember that all parts of life need nurturing; and when they are completely abandoned, no matter how justified, they cannot help but suffer on some level.
Couples that talk openly and honestly about their needs are better able to create the time needed for some individual pursuits. Many times it is not a matter of how much time a member of a coupleship may have to him/herself that is important as much as it is about a mindfulness that each partner has about the other's personal pursuits. Couples that recognize the limitations of time are able to carefully schedule so that it doesn't get viewed as selfish or impossible. They view it as a key ingredient toward each being a better spouse, parent and family member.
Having a little "me" time often allows a parent to feel recharged and more capable of handling stressful circumstances that at times accompany family life. Hopefully couples that want to improve their marriage do not use their alone time to avoid marital/family issues, but rather to allow them the space to decompress and return more loving.
Bryon Remo CT, M.Ed., LMFT
http://www.ctfamilycounseling.com
Bryon Remo is a licensed marriage and family therapist serving Southbury, Newtown, Middlebury, Watertown, Oxford, Bridgewater, Roxbury, Monroe, Woodbury and other surrounding communities near Northern New Haven and Fairfield counties, Connecticut.
Thursday, September 8, 2011
Divorce, Parenting and Paying Attention to What's Unspoken
Most parents are painfully aware of the difficulties their children experience when going through a divorce. Because of this awareness they will often spend more time with them, become more patient, and be less inclined to yell when upset. Despite these efforts though, there is one thing that many good parents overlook- listening.
Parents are often quick to try and change how their unhappy child is feeling.
When a parent suggests to their child that there is no reason to be upset because they are at Disney World, disables them from truly understanding their child's internal world. Disney (or any other fun place) is not a guarantee of happiness! Most children grow up believing that a mother and father will both be an intricate part of their daily lives. A child coping with divorce may have mood fluctuations that are not always identifiable. The child who quickly become sad when boarding a Mickey Mouse ride in the absence of his father, may be so because of a link between something they had previously done with their father. Parents need to know when to listen, when to probe and when to accept sadness as a normal and healthy part of the human condition.
Teaching children that sadness is okay to experience is essential so that they needn't feel that the only permissible form of expression is happiness. Kids experiencing divorce should be permitted to share the full range of emotions that often accompanies transitions. Recognizing that a child is likely to experience erratic behavior patterns should give parents an awareness that they should not expect predictability during this time. Keeping a pulse on one's own feelings during these times is important to be able to interact in the most appropriate way during times of child distress. Parents who anticipate the possibility of their child's emotional rollercoaster are better positioned to be helpful to them when a difficult moment occurs. The key intervention is perhaps no intervention at all- it may be making your ears become as big as Mickey's.
Bryon Remo, M.Ed., LMFT
Licensed Marital & Family Therapist
Bryon Remo CT practices in Southbury,CT and serves West Hartford, Farmington, Watertown, Oxford, Woodbury, Monroe, Seymour, Naugatuck and other surrounding communities.
Parents are often quick to try and change how their unhappy child is feeling.
When a parent suggests to their child that there is no reason to be upset because they are at Disney World, disables them from truly understanding their child's internal world. Disney (or any other fun place) is not a guarantee of happiness! Most children grow up believing that a mother and father will both be an intricate part of their daily lives. A child coping with divorce may have mood fluctuations that are not always identifiable. The child who quickly become sad when boarding a Mickey Mouse ride in the absence of his father, may be so because of a link between something they had previously done with their father. Parents need to know when to listen, when to probe and when to accept sadness as a normal and healthy part of the human condition.
Teaching children that sadness is okay to experience is essential so that they needn't feel that the only permissible form of expression is happiness. Kids experiencing divorce should be permitted to share the full range of emotions that often accompanies transitions. Recognizing that a child is likely to experience erratic behavior patterns should give parents an awareness that they should not expect predictability during this time. Keeping a pulse on one's own feelings during these times is important to be able to interact in the most appropriate way during times of child distress. Parents who anticipate the possibility of their child's emotional rollercoaster are better positioned to be helpful to them when a difficult moment occurs. The key intervention is perhaps no intervention at all- it may be making your ears become as big as Mickey's.
Bryon Remo, M.Ed., LMFT
Licensed Marital & Family Therapist
Bryon Remo CT practices in Southbury,CT and serves West Hartford, Farmington, Watertown, Oxford, Woodbury, Monroe, Seymour, Naugatuck and other surrounding communities.
Saturday, August 20, 2011
Couple Closeness
There are many ways for couples to maintain closeness. Through caring gestures, patience and compassion couples show each other daily how important they are to one another. There are a myriad of ways to show that you love your partner. Yet one concept seems to stand out among all when determining which couples are likely to be truly happy- the ability to forgive.
Being able to forgive one's partner is a way of saying that the relationship is always more essential than any hurtful action. It is a way of showing an awareness of the human condition. It is also a way in which couples see the opportunity in conflict. Many couple's view arguing as another black mark on the eventual demise of their marriage, when in actuality it could do the opposite. It could be the argument that leads to the understanding necessary for closeness. Marriages often succeed or fail based on how conflict is viewed. Marital therapy can help couples see the importance of becoming comfortable with conflict.
Bryon Remo, M.Ed., LMFT
http://www.remocounseling.citymax.com/bryon_remo_services_1.html
Bryon Remo practices in Southbury, CT and serves West Hartford, Farmington, Watertown, Oxford, Monroe, Roxbury, Naugatuck and other surrounding communities.
Being able to forgive one's partner is a way of saying that the relationship is always more essential than any hurtful action. It is a way of showing an awareness of the human condition. It is also a way in which couples see the opportunity in conflict. Many couple's view arguing as another black mark on the eventual demise of their marriage, when in actuality it could do the opposite. It could be the argument that leads to the understanding necessary for closeness. Marriages often succeed or fail based on how conflict is viewed. Marital therapy can help couples see the importance of becoming comfortable with conflict.
Bryon Remo, M.Ed., LMFT
http://www.remocounseling.citymax.com/bryon_remo_services_1.html
Bryon Remo practices in Southbury, CT and serves West Hartford, Farmington, Watertown, Oxford, Monroe, Roxbury, Naugatuck and other surrounding communities.
Thursday, August 11, 2011
Couples Who Create Change in Therapy
Couples often come motivated to counseling desiring change. Only the change they desire is solely from their partner. They often fail to view their relationship as a shared responsibility and because of this it creates a competitive element. They lobby hard to sell their virtuosity to a therapist who is only going to level the playing field despite their efforts to polarize the process.
When couples enter therapy with a willingness to be influenced by their partner the possibilities for change become greater. There is a hopeful spirit that tends to surround couples who believe that each is going to do whatever is necessary to mobilize their relationship.
As couples begin sharing their story, it is easy to assess what their intentions are whether or not they are clear in their explanation. There is a way of communicating that is easy to predict whether or not change is possible. When couples are able to provide a space for their partner to voice his/her concerns and can validate such despite disagreeing with it, then optimism begins to permeate the room.
Couples who create change in therapy are those who become increasingly comfortable with tension and do not become paralyzed by it. They are able to see disagreements as opportunities for closeness and understanding as oppossed to threats to their closeness. They are able to view conflict in a way that motivates them to become curious of their partner's view of the world.
When couples enter therapy with a willingness to be influenced by their partner the possibilities for change become greater. There is a hopeful spirit that tends to surround couples who believe that each is going to do whatever is necessary to mobilize their relationship.
As couples begin sharing their story, it is easy to assess what their intentions are whether or not they are clear in their explanation. There is a way of communicating that is easy to predict whether or not change is possible. When couples are able to provide a space for their partner to voice his/her concerns and can validate such despite disagreeing with it, then optimism begins to permeate the room.
Couples who create change in therapy are those who become increasingly comfortable with tension and do not become paralyzed by it. They are able to see disagreements as opportunities for closeness and understanding as oppossed to threats to their closeness. They are able to view conflict in a way that motivates them to become curious of their partner's view of the world.
Friday, July 22, 2011
Energy and the Modern Teenager
Too many teenagers today, besides being bored often seem sluggish and unmotivated. They struggle to entertain themselves and often turn to quick fix options that have no real sustenance. There are many factors that interfere with an adolescent's motivation. However, one undeniable factor is a lack of energy.
Kids are simply not physically moving their bodies enough to rid themselves of the multitude of toxins that invariable invade us all. Outlets such as facebook, texting, video games and television are sedentary tasks that keep individuals from truly experiencing the physical health that is desperately needed by today's youth.
Physical health promotes mental clarity and vice versa. However, it is not merely necessary to think positive. Those thoughts must translate into action steps that achieve real change. Teenagers need encouragement to become active participants in respecting their bodies as an essential (not optional) part of their daily living. Research shows that kids who exercise at least 30 minutes per day are far more likely to experience the mental health needed to make better decisions in their lives.
Another important factor to consider with teenagers is that they must take a closer look at their water consumption. Many people when tired attribute their fatigue with sleeplesnness, depression or hunger, when in fact it is often due to dehydration. Teenagers need to move away from the so-called energy drinks, that are really sugar drinks, and restore their bodies energy through the simplicity of water.
Obviously there are many reasons that lead to adolescents feeling unmotivated and lacking in energy. Each could fill a book or more. However, there is a need to help teenagers avoid the over analyzation of their lack of energy and simply help them devise a plan to bolster it. Much can be done to support adolescents, but movement and water are a great starting point.
Remo Counseling
Bryon Remo, M.Ed., LMFT
http://www.remocounseling.citymax.com/
Kids are simply not physically moving their bodies enough to rid themselves of the multitude of toxins that invariable invade us all. Outlets such as facebook, texting, video games and television are sedentary tasks that keep individuals from truly experiencing the physical health that is desperately needed by today's youth.
Physical health promotes mental clarity and vice versa. However, it is not merely necessary to think positive. Those thoughts must translate into action steps that achieve real change. Teenagers need encouragement to become active participants in respecting their bodies as an essential (not optional) part of their daily living. Research shows that kids who exercise at least 30 minutes per day are far more likely to experience the mental health needed to make better decisions in their lives.
Another important factor to consider with teenagers is that they must take a closer look at their water consumption. Many people when tired attribute their fatigue with sleeplesnness, depression or hunger, when in fact it is often due to dehydration. Teenagers need to move away from the so-called energy drinks, that are really sugar drinks, and restore their bodies energy through the simplicity of water.
Obviously there are many reasons that lead to adolescents feeling unmotivated and lacking in energy. Each could fill a book or more. However, there is a need to help teenagers avoid the over analyzation of their lack of energy and simply help them devise a plan to bolster it. Much can be done to support adolescents, but movement and water are a great starting point.
Remo Counseling
Bryon Remo, M.Ed., LMFT
http://www.remocounseling.citymax.com/
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
Slow the Earth Down!
When I wake up each day and check my email, twitter, linkedin and facebook accounts,I'm often confused as to what level any of it matters. And although I know it has some business and personal relevance, I sometimes find myself questioning at the expense of what else?
I decided long ago that I was not going to plant my children in front of the television simply so that I can get tasks done. I have, however, at times found myself cheating on that goal as I justify some shows as educationally based. Yet each time I measure my little children on the pencil-marked wallpaper that gauges their height, I realize how quickly time truly passes.
Most people would agree that balancing one’s time is an essential ingredient to personal happiness. As a daytime dad, and evening therapist,though, I often find myself immersed in "playland "or enthralled in "problemville," with little in between. It is the online connections that often feel like a nice retreat from both. This isn’t to suggest that I don’t find pleasure in both my children and work, as my kids are so much joy and my work is satisfying. It’s that some adult social time is needed to feel a sense of connectedness to big people, with mature minds, who understand the challenges of being a parent and professional in today’s world.
This generation feels like it is moving at the actual speed of the earth (1,040 miles per hour). In stories I’ve had with my parents and others from past generations they did not experience this crazy pace. Yet as the world turns and time passes it is remembering to stay truly connected to those that matter most. There is no need to feel guilt by stealing some me-time periodically. But this assumes that when we are with the ones we love we are truly WITH with the one’s we love; and not thinking about the next tweet, text, connection, friend, like or group that surrounds our real lives. Our real lives may someday include our virtual lives….for real! But until then and always,”Be wherever you are!”
Saturday, June 25, 2011
Summer Planning Needed!
Summertime can be the most joyous and memory-making time of the year with the family. Yet it can also create the most madness- as scheduling, scheduling blunders and just the idea of schedules in general can be mind numbing.
Whether you are a planner or not, in the summer you should be! Too much can go wrong. Unless of course you live in Montana and have no desire to travel. I sorta envy that thought. Yet, I'm good with not having that thought too. Having a lot to do can be exciting and keep summer interesting (and free of boredom for little people), but it can sometimes take its mental toll on the adult world. Planning in some down time might be just what is needed to maintain the sanity necessary to endure the insanity.
Whatever your plans are for the summer, take a moment to ask yourself- "Is it supposed to be crazy? Is this unavoidable? Can we build in some quiet and relaxed time?" There is a reason that so many long for the serenity of autumn. It is not because the summer does not bring great joy, but rather that the fall represents what we need just a taste of in the summer- a deep breath, a parked car, and maybe some guilt-free non-kid time!
Happy summer! :)
Bryon Remo, M.Ed., LMFT
Whether you are a planner or not, in the summer you should be! Too much can go wrong. Unless of course you live in Montana and have no desire to travel. I sorta envy that thought. Yet, I'm good with not having that thought too. Having a lot to do can be exciting and keep summer interesting (and free of boredom for little people), but it can sometimes take its mental toll on the adult world. Planning in some down time might be just what is needed to maintain the sanity necessary to endure the insanity.
Whatever your plans are for the summer, take a moment to ask yourself- "Is it supposed to be crazy? Is this unavoidable? Can we build in some quiet and relaxed time?" There is a reason that so many long for the serenity of autumn. It is not because the summer does not bring great joy, but rather that the fall represents what we need just a taste of in the summer- a deep breath, a parked car, and maybe some guilt-free non-kid time!
Happy summer! :)
Bryon Remo, M.Ed., LMFT
Friday, June 24, 2011
Maintaining Closeness With Little Free Time
If you live outside of Fairfield County, CT or Orange County, NY, and happen to commute to NYC each day, there is a great chance that you and the person you love do not spend the kind of time together you had imagined when daydreaming on the beach. Spending nearly 4 hours in some mode of transportation each day challenges couples to come up with creative ways to stay connected. And, to be sure, there are numerous ways to communicate (i.e. cellphones & social media); but none have the same feel as when you are in the presence and embrace of your lover.
Couples, therefore, have to invent ways to maintain closeness where little free time exists. It is not, however, as if time does not exist. It is how time is delegated despite its limited amount. Although there are some professions that are more demanding than others, those with limited time must maximize that which they have access to. For example, each morning there is an opportunity to set the alarm clock 15 minutes earlier for brief, but loving intimacy, chatter or coffee with your spouse. Not much, I know, but in creating sustaining relationships, it is often the small experiences that represents the glue which keeps love alive despite the race against the clock. When entering the door, there is often a need to decompress. This can be done through taking a hottub, watching t.v., checking emails, surfing the net, eating, etc. Or........connecting with your partner. And perhaps doing any of the above with them. Again, little time, but it is a choice how that time will look and feel.
It would seem essential for couples where one dwells in a vehicle for 1/10 of his or her existence to take care of one's health, to allow for the energy needed to stay truly present when arriving home after dinner hours. If life is reduced to work, whereby post-work becomes the "tired hours," then little closeness is likely to take place. Research shows that adults who exercise on a regular basis and maintain quality nutrition typically require less sleep than their counterparts. This adds up to free time with one's partner where others may already be snoring.
I am always interested in hearing people's thoughts on how they find ways to stay close to one another. I would love to hear your feedback that I would be happy to spread.
Cheers to love! :)
Bryon
http://www.remocounseling.com/
Couples, therefore, have to invent ways to maintain closeness where little free time exists. It is not, however, as if time does not exist. It is how time is delegated despite its limited amount. Although there are some professions that are more demanding than others, those with limited time must maximize that which they have access to. For example, each morning there is an opportunity to set the alarm clock 15 minutes earlier for brief, but loving intimacy, chatter or coffee with your spouse. Not much, I know, but in creating sustaining relationships, it is often the small experiences that represents the glue which keeps love alive despite the race against the clock. When entering the door, there is often a need to decompress. This can be done through taking a hottub, watching t.v., checking emails, surfing the net, eating, etc. Or........connecting with your partner. And perhaps doing any of the above with them. Again, little time, but it is a choice how that time will look and feel.
It would seem essential for couples where one dwells in a vehicle for 1/10 of his or her existence to take care of one's health, to allow for the energy needed to stay truly present when arriving home after dinner hours. If life is reduced to work, whereby post-work becomes the "tired hours," then little closeness is likely to take place. Research shows that adults who exercise on a regular basis and maintain quality nutrition typically require less sleep than their counterparts. This adds up to free time with one's partner where others may already be snoring.
I am always interested in hearing people's thoughts on how they find ways to stay close to one another. I would love to hear your feedback that I would be happy to spread.
Cheers to love! :)
Bryon
http://www.remocounseling.com/
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
To Be or Not to Be “Annoyed”
The very thing that we strive to avoid or at least minimize has, perhaps, the greatest benefit to our capacity to move toward our desired life. No, I’m not talking about big picture concepts such as finances or long term planning. I’m talking about daily annoyances (i.e. the freakin’ laundry and dirty dishes). Little ones, medium ones and big ones! Are they really annoying or do you just get easily annoyed?
It is a peculiar truth that there are things that some of us would forever view as getting in the way of our ideal life, while others oddly (or maybe not so oddly) seem to embrace. One man/woman may view housecleaning as the biggest pain in the donkey, while another pleasantly dances among the airborne dust particles soon to be swept away by an eager joy for domestic sanitation.
To cite a personal example; in fact one that is occurring while I write this post, my youngest daughter, Lucy (3) sprinted toward me just a moment ago asking me if I could put the backpack and helmet on her Biker Barbie Doll. I was prepared to write about the perceived annoyances of fast drivers, slow drivers and uncertain drivers- but I have long wrestled with my feelings on the pros and cons of Barbie and thought this may be more appealing for other parents to ponder.
Because I have always had a seemingly innate fear that my daughters will someday desire a life akin to Barbie’s carefree existence, I’ve often found myself safeguarding their little minds. This has sometimes meant playing keep away from Barbie! Although my annoyance with her has lessened with Mattel’s ability to evolve (slightly), I still find myself thinking, “You will not reduce my girls to desiring physical beauty! Not mine! I will fight you til the end!”
All this useless cognitive distress (however mild) takes away from the likely possibility that it is still just a doll- a plaything! It is one concept of many that my influential little minds will be confronted with. But more importantly, there can be a healthier and less “annoyed” way of perceiving her flawless disposition. When annoyed, most of us simply desire to be, well… less annoyed. No big secret there! But….when annoyed, we also have the ability to create a small space for ourselves that asks us, “What else could this (doll) mean? Does it have to be annoying? Is there a teachable moment for them or myself within it? Will I simply forever be annoyed with certain things? I hope the answer is a resounding, “No!” as I hate to feel emotionally imprisoned by the external world. In Viktor Frankl’s, Man’s Search for Meaning, the author attributes his ability to survive the Holocaust not merely as luck but on his desire to find meaning or value in his experience and thus being able to WILL himself through pain. In his case, his desire to tell his story and to share the power of the human mind was his impetus for continuing his struggle (despite many of his comrades choosing to give up). In the less dramatic run-ins of our everyday lives we always have the power to ascribe whatever meaning we choose to give an experience. Today, I shall relish in the fact that my little energetic bunny came racing my way to have me dress up her Adventure Barbie, as opposed to the Glamour Barbie! Ahhh….the little victories in life.
It is in everyday annoyances that perception is formed. Is my boss annoying? Are the lines at the grocery store annoying? Must I wait this long for my check? Why are you parking in the handicapped spot?- you look fine! These moments have the most relevant impact on whether or not we merely continue to work on being less annoyed or whether we can be glad Barbie has not yet gone rogue.
Cheers to those who don’t get that annoyed!
It is a peculiar truth that there are things that some of us would forever view as getting in the way of our ideal life, while others oddly (or maybe not so oddly) seem to embrace. One man/woman may view housecleaning as the biggest pain in the donkey, while another pleasantly dances among the airborne dust particles soon to be swept away by an eager joy for domestic sanitation.
To cite a personal example; in fact one that is occurring while I write this post, my youngest daughter, Lucy (3) sprinted toward me just a moment ago asking me if I could put the backpack and helmet on her Biker Barbie Doll. I was prepared to write about the perceived annoyances of fast drivers, slow drivers and uncertain drivers- but I have long wrestled with my feelings on the pros and cons of Barbie and thought this may be more appealing for other parents to ponder.
Because I have always had a seemingly innate fear that my daughters will someday desire a life akin to Barbie’s carefree existence, I’ve often found myself safeguarding their little minds. This has sometimes meant playing keep away from Barbie! Although my annoyance with her has lessened with Mattel’s ability to evolve (slightly), I still find myself thinking, “You will not reduce my girls to desiring physical beauty! Not mine! I will fight you til the end!”
All this useless cognitive distress (however mild) takes away from the likely possibility that it is still just a doll- a plaything! It is one concept of many that my influential little minds will be confronted with. But more importantly, there can be a healthier and less “annoyed” way of perceiving her flawless disposition. When annoyed, most of us simply desire to be, well… less annoyed. No big secret there! But….when annoyed, we also have the ability to create a small space for ourselves that asks us, “What else could this (doll) mean? Does it have to be annoying? Is there a teachable moment for them or myself within it? Will I simply forever be annoyed with certain things? I hope the answer is a resounding, “No!” as I hate to feel emotionally imprisoned by the external world. In Viktor Frankl’s, Man’s Search for Meaning, the author attributes his ability to survive the Holocaust not merely as luck but on his desire to find meaning or value in his experience and thus being able to WILL himself through pain. In his case, his desire to tell his story and to share the power of the human mind was his impetus for continuing his struggle (despite many of his comrades choosing to give up). In the less dramatic run-ins of our everyday lives we always have the power to ascribe whatever meaning we choose to give an experience. Today, I shall relish in the fact that my little energetic bunny came racing my way to have me dress up her Adventure Barbie, as opposed to the Glamour Barbie! Ahhh….the little victories in life.
It is in everyday annoyances that perception is formed. Is my boss annoying? Are the lines at the grocery store annoying? Must I wait this long for my check? Why are you parking in the handicapped spot?- you look fine! These moments have the most relevant impact on whether or not we merely continue to work on being less annoyed or whether we can be glad Barbie has not yet gone rogue.
Cheers to those who don’t get that annoyed!
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
Is There Such Thing as Healthy Arguing?
Is There Such Thing as Healthy Arguing?
Healthy arguing is NOT the absence of arguing- as some might be wishing for. It is arguing with a shared purpose.
To argue is to care. It is to fight for something that you feel strongly about. There is no need to feel guilty for engaging in such a struggle.
However, arguing can often feel as if your partner is attacking or undermining your thoughts instead of considering why you feel so strongly in the first place.
Healthy couples are able to maintain a mindfulness of the greater importance of their relationship more than the mere benefit of winning an argument. They are able to see from their partner's perspective and give it as much attention as their own. These couples are not void of emotion- they are so aware of the emotions of their partner that they are able to both argue their point of view and simultaneously keep the pulse of their loved one in mind.
Arguing one's point of view does not mean being the "sacrificial lamb." It simply means that there is an awareness that both people have a need to be influential, and when arguing takes a combative approach, it is nearly impossible to care about another's perspective.
Couples who have the shared purpose of understanding are able and willing to engage in ANY conflict because they know that their voice will be respected no matter what the disagreement. This is not to suggest that these couple resolve all of their arguments. Instead, they are able to stay emotionally connected and recognize that their relational attachment is greater than any one issue in time. This allows them to use words with care.
"It is better to leave angry words unspoken than to mend a heart those words have broken."
Healthy arguing is NOT the absence of arguing- as some might be wishing for. It is arguing with a shared purpose.
To argue is to care. It is to fight for something that you feel strongly about. There is no need to feel guilty for engaging in such a struggle.
However, arguing can often feel as if your partner is attacking or undermining your thoughts instead of considering why you feel so strongly in the first place.
Healthy couples are able to maintain a mindfulness of the greater importance of their relationship more than the mere benefit of winning an argument. They are able to see from their partner's perspective and give it as much attention as their own. These couples are not void of emotion- they are so aware of the emotions of their partner that they are able to both argue their point of view and simultaneously keep the pulse of their loved one in mind.
Arguing one's point of view does not mean being the "sacrificial lamb." It simply means that there is an awareness that both people have a need to be influential, and when arguing takes a combative approach, it is nearly impossible to care about another's perspective.
Couples who have the shared purpose of understanding are able and willing to engage in ANY conflict because they know that their voice will be respected no matter what the disagreement. This is not to suggest that these couple resolve all of their arguments. Instead, they are able to stay emotionally connected and recognize that their relational attachment is greater than any one issue in time. This allows them to use words with care.
"It is better to leave angry words unspoken than to mend a heart those words have broken."
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
How to Determine the Length of Therapy
Many times clients want a sense of how long they will need to be in therapy. Of course they have the freedom to leave at any moment or session that they choose to never return again- thus, it depends predominately on them. However, for those that entrust the wisdom of therapists there should be a distinction made between those clients that are highly motivated to change and those that are simply appeasing others. For the latter I would suggest less than one session and for the former, an agreed upon time frame can be useful when trying to target goals. This can hold people accountable for trying to genuinely create change outside the therapy walls. However, for those that appreciate the ebb and flow of therapy and the uncertainties in life that keep structured work from always making sense, a time frame may not be a useful concept. In the age of Quick Fixes, it is good practice for therapists to suggest the possibilities that can exist in short and long term treatment. This can then be paired with a client's desire for a timetable or not. I do think their is a place for establishing a time frame- however, this can put an unnecessary pressure on both client and therapist alike. What makes more sense is to have a timetable to take stock of the process of change as oppossed to the achievement of specific goals. The nature of goal setting can be quite productive, so long as it allows for the flexibility to shift gears if the therapy calls for such.
Cheers,
Bryon Remo
Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist
Southbury, CT
Specializing in Couples and Adolescent Issues.
Cheers,
Bryon Remo
Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist
Southbury, CT
Specializing in Couples and Adolescent Issues.
Sunday, April 24, 2011
Working with Hurried People
As a family therapist I am uniquely trained to track the patterns of individuals, couples or families, identify them, interrupt them and help folks develop new insights and opportunities for change. This can often be done quickly, depending on the motivation and willingness of clients. Yet therapy was not historically a quick process- it has evolved to meet the growing demands of change-oriented people in a quick fix world. This is not to suggest that change is not possible in a short period of time as it is and can be quite powerful when people are ready to make that committment. However, when individuals or couples desire change quickly, yet look for a therapist revelation or technique that will finally turn their sinking ship around, they are often in for a rude and frustrating awakening.
Although there are many things that can be done at lightning speed today and at very little hassle for people, they often expect therapy to be no different. Yet therapy by its very essence is an invitation to explore oneself and one's place in their many life contexts. This cannot be done quickly because so many of the painful patterns that exist with clients were developed over the course of several years, if not decades. There are dramatic moments at times yet this is the exception not the rule. Most people need to take a bit of inventory prior to trying on some new hats and experiencing the possibilities that await their changed lives. Those who are seeking quick fixes often find themselves frustrated and constantly searching for that therapist whose gonna give them that trendy intervention or quick fix that will provide them mere symptom relief, yet not sustain them over time.
Although there are many things that can be done at lightning speed today and at very little hassle for people, they often expect therapy to be no different. Yet therapy by its very essence is an invitation to explore oneself and one's place in their many life contexts. This cannot be done quickly because so many of the painful patterns that exist with clients were developed over the course of several years, if not decades. There are dramatic moments at times yet this is the exception not the rule. Most people need to take a bit of inventory prior to trying on some new hats and experiencing the possibilities that await their changed lives. Those who are seeking quick fixes often find themselves frustrated and constantly searching for that therapist whose gonna give them that trendy intervention or quick fix that will provide them mere symptom relief, yet not sustain them over time.
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