Post Divorce Co-Parenting is Key to Children's Transition

Bryon Remo Primer on Post Divorce Parenting

Many parents feel that if they get through their divorce their emotional energy will eventually be restored. And although this may have some truth for some, for others there is no end point to the inevitable emotional roller coaster that accompanies post divorce life for parents. Despite valiant efforts parents make to minimize the ill effects of divorce, they nonetheless have as their greatest challenge the need to communicate with their ex far more than perhaps they'd prefer.

Having to constantly communicate with one's ex regarding scheduling, kids' events, holidays and other matters is often a mentally draining process. Bryon Remo, M.Ed., LMFT notes that, "Divorce often sucks the life out of people and yet there is no end to the emotional challenge of having to deal with the very person you chose to forever part."

Remo notes that despite this challenge it is important for both parents to be mindful of their children's need for structure, predictability and peace. When parents are able to communicate with a high level of regard for one another (despite their differences) they model for their children effective problem solving despite the obvious stress that accompanies such. Co-parenting does not equate to a need to agree on every issue, but instead to communicate more effectively than during the marriage. When parents are able to put the needs of the kids above their own anger, they can help their children minimize the challenges of divorce.

Bryon Remo is a licensed marriage and family therapist practicing in Southbury, Connecticut.

Think Healing Before Divorce

Many individuals come to my practice ambivalent as to whether or not they should pursue a divorce. Some say they are ready despite being in a very poor emotional state and with no plan for life after the breakup. It is understandable to seek out change when pain exists. The trouble with divorce, however, is not so much that it is never justifiable, it's that it does not address the most significant issues- most notably, the internal changes that need to accompany a change which is packed with a multitude of ramifications. Relationships which are high in conflict can mask the fact that individuals need to create a new mindset whether they choose to remain married or get divorced. When working with individuals I try to help clients shift there focus from "stay or go" to how to heal and feel empowered again. In essence, it is important to slow the mental train down and consider the changes that need to be made now regardless of the decisions that may ensue later. There is no doubt that for some a divorce will lift a heavy burden off their shoulders, and in some rare cases involving safety concerns it is a must. Yet it is important that the burden not be transferred to another part of their lives. For example, a woman who is certain she wants a divorce because she has been disconnected emotionally from her husband for years may feel instant relief by finally divorcing. However, if she has not learned to become more assertive herself,and express her feelings in healthier ways, this issue is likely to recycle itself in the next relationship. Marriages as well as other committed relationships need a greater awareness that conflict is not the wedge blocking couples closenness. It is how couples approach conflict that is most telling of its capacity to create closeness or fuel more heartache. In considering a divorce, it is important to think about how you can heal yourself and create a newer mindset that may allow for the decision to become more clear.

Making Time Not Excuses- Bryon Remo Primer on Marriage & Happiness!



Work, kids and social commitments place great demands on couples. Often unintentional, the busyness of life can squash a marriage. One day, couples look at their spouses and see strangers because the spark of courtship is long gone or a wall of resentment replaces the loving feelings they once shared. Wise couples stop making excuses and choose to prioritize their marital relationships in the midst of daily life.

Modern communication tools make it easier than ever for couples to stay in touch. Bryon Remo, M.Ed., LMFT who practices in Southbury, CT, notes that consistent emails, tweets or texts give couples greater satisfaction with their spouses. Couples who seem to have little time need to be more creative with staying connected. A simple smiley face or a thank you for taking out the garbage creates positive feelings and reminds the spouse of their beloved.

Additionally, couples who spend physical time together feel emotionally connected to their spouse. Date nights at home or on the town without the kids are a requirement for couples who wish to nurture their marriage. Couples also nurture their relationship when they share coffee in the morning, go to bed at the same time, find mutually fulfilling hobbies and write love letters.

Regular counseling also improves a couple’s emotional connection. Remo notes that by talking about feelings, thoughts and issues, couples prevent minor irritations from developing into major resentments, bitterness or divorce. Making an investment in routine counseling prioritizes the relationship, promotes peace and connects couples amidst the busyness of daily life.

Bryon Remo is a licensed marriage and family therapist specializing in couples issues and challenging teenage behaviors. He serves the communities of Southbury, West Hartford, Watertown,Woodbury, Seymour, Monroe, Naugatuck, Torrington, Thomaston, Roxbury, Bridgewater and Danbury, Connecticut.

Divorce, Parenting and Paying Attention to What's Unspoken

Most parents are painfully aware of the difficulties their children experience when going through a divorce. Because of this awareness they will often spend more time with them, become more patient, and be less inclined to yell when upset. Despite these efforts though, there is one thing that many good parents overlook- listening.

Parents are often quick to try and change how their unhappy child is feeling.

When a parent suggests to their child that there is no reason to be upset because they are at Disney World, disables them from truly understanding their child's internal world. Disney (or any other fun place) is not a guarantee of happiness! Most children grow up believing that a mother and father will both be an intricate part of their daily lives. A child coping with divorce may have mood fluctuations that are not always identifiable. The child who quickly become sad when boarding a Mickey Mouse ride in the absence of his father, may be so because of a link between something they had previously done with their father. Parents need to know when to listen, when to probe and when to accept sadness as a normal and healthy part of the human condition.

Teaching children that sadness is okay to experience is essential so that they needn't feel that the only permissible form of expression is happiness. Kids experiencing divorce should be permitted to share the full range of emotions that often accompanies transitions. Recognizing that a child is likely to experience erratic behavior patterns should give parents an awareness that they should not expect predictability during this time. Keeping a pulse on one's own feelings during these times is important to be able to interact in the most appropriate way during times of child distress. Parents who anticipate the possibility of their child's emotional rollercoaster are better positioned to be helpful to them when a difficult moment occurs. The key intervention is perhaps no intervention at all- it may be making your ears become as big as Mickey's.


Bryon Remo, M.Ed., LMFT
Licensed Marital & Family Therapist



Bryon Remo CT practices in Southbury,CT and serves West Hartford, Farmington, Watertown, Oxford, Woodbury, Monroe, Seymour, Naugatuck and other surrounding communities.