Summertime can be the most joyous and memory-making time of the year with the family. Yet it can also create the most madness- as scheduling, scheduling blunders and just the idea of schedules in general can be mind numbing.
Whether you are a planner or not, in the summer you should be! Too much can go wrong. Unless of course you live in Montana and have no desire to travel. I sorta envy that thought. Yet, I'm good with not having that thought too. Having a lot to do can be exciting and keep summer interesting (and free of boredom for little people), but it can sometimes take its mental toll on the adult world. Planning in some down time might be just what is needed to maintain the sanity necessary to endure the insanity.
Whatever your plans are for the summer, take a moment to ask yourself- "Is it supposed to be crazy? Is this unavoidable? Can we build in some quiet and relaxed time?" There is a reason that so many long for the serenity of autumn. It is not because the summer does not bring great joy, but rather that the fall represents what we need just a taste of in the summer- a deep breath, a parked car, and maybe some guilt-free non-kid time!
Happy summer! :)
Bryon Remo, M.Ed., LMFT
Saturday, June 25, 2011
Friday, June 24, 2011
Maintaining Closeness With Little Free Time
If you live outside of Fairfield County, CT or Orange County, NY, and happen to commute to NYC each day, there is a great chance that you and the person you love do not spend the kind of time together you had imagined when daydreaming on the beach. Spending nearly 4 hours in some mode of transportation each day challenges couples to come up with creative ways to stay connected. And, to be sure, there are numerous ways to communicate (i.e. cellphones & social media); but none have the same feel as when you are in the presence and embrace of your lover.
Couples, therefore, have to invent ways to maintain closeness where little free time exists. It is not, however, as if time does not exist. It is how time is delegated despite its limited amount. Although there are some professions that are more demanding than others, those with limited time must maximize that which they have access to. For example, each morning there is an opportunity to set the alarm clock 15 minutes earlier for brief, but loving intimacy, chatter or coffee with your spouse. Not much, I know, but in creating sustaining relationships, it is often the small experiences that represents the glue which keeps love alive despite the race against the clock. When entering the door, there is often a need to decompress. This can be done through taking a hottub, watching t.v., checking emails, surfing the net, eating, etc. Or........connecting with your partner. And perhaps doing any of the above with them. Again, little time, but it is a choice how that time will look and feel.
It would seem essential for couples where one dwells in a vehicle for 1/10 of his or her existence to take care of one's health, to allow for the energy needed to stay truly present when arriving home after dinner hours. If life is reduced to work, whereby post-work becomes the "tired hours," then little closeness is likely to take place. Research shows that adults who exercise on a regular basis and maintain quality nutrition typically require less sleep than their counterparts. This adds up to free time with one's partner where others may already be snoring.
I am always interested in hearing people's thoughts on how they find ways to stay close to one another. I would love to hear your feedback that I would be happy to spread.
Cheers to love! :)
Bryon
http://www.remocounseling.com/
Couples, therefore, have to invent ways to maintain closeness where little free time exists. It is not, however, as if time does not exist. It is how time is delegated despite its limited amount. Although there are some professions that are more demanding than others, those with limited time must maximize that which they have access to. For example, each morning there is an opportunity to set the alarm clock 15 minutes earlier for brief, but loving intimacy, chatter or coffee with your spouse. Not much, I know, but in creating sustaining relationships, it is often the small experiences that represents the glue which keeps love alive despite the race against the clock. When entering the door, there is often a need to decompress. This can be done through taking a hottub, watching t.v., checking emails, surfing the net, eating, etc. Or........connecting with your partner. And perhaps doing any of the above with them. Again, little time, but it is a choice how that time will look and feel.
It would seem essential for couples where one dwells in a vehicle for 1/10 of his or her existence to take care of one's health, to allow for the energy needed to stay truly present when arriving home after dinner hours. If life is reduced to work, whereby post-work becomes the "tired hours," then little closeness is likely to take place. Research shows that adults who exercise on a regular basis and maintain quality nutrition typically require less sleep than their counterparts. This adds up to free time with one's partner where others may already be snoring.
I am always interested in hearing people's thoughts on how they find ways to stay close to one another. I would love to hear your feedback that I would be happy to spread.
Cheers to love! :)
Bryon
http://www.remocounseling.com/
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
To Be or Not to Be “Annoyed”
The very thing that we strive to avoid or at least minimize has, perhaps, the greatest benefit to our capacity to move toward our desired life. No, I’m not talking about big picture concepts such as finances or long term planning. I’m talking about daily annoyances (i.e. the freakin’ laundry and dirty dishes). Little ones, medium ones and big ones! Are they really annoying or do you just get easily annoyed?
It is a peculiar truth that there are things that some of us would forever view as getting in the way of our ideal life, while others oddly (or maybe not so oddly) seem to embrace. One man/woman may view housecleaning as the biggest pain in the donkey, while another pleasantly dances among the airborne dust particles soon to be swept away by an eager joy for domestic sanitation.
To cite a personal example; in fact one that is occurring while I write this post, my youngest daughter, Lucy (3) sprinted toward me just a moment ago asking me if I could put the backpack and helmet on her Biker Barbie Doll. I was prepared to write about the perceived annoyances of fast drivers, slow drivers and uncertain drivers- but I have long wrestled with my feelings on the pros and cons of Barbie and thought this may be more appealing for other parents to ponder.
Because I have always had a seemingly innate fear that my daughters will someday desire a life akin to Barbie’s carefree existence, I’ve often found myself safeguarding their little minds. This has sometimes meant playing keep away from Barbie! Although my annoyance with her has lessened with Mattel’s ability to evolve (slightly), I still find myself thinking, “You will not reduce my girls to desiring physical beauty! Not mine! I will fight you til the end!”
All this useless cognitive distress (however mild) takes away from the likely possibility that it is still just a doll- a plaything! It is one concept of many that my influential little minds will be confronted with. But more importantly, there can be a healthier and less “annoyed” way of perceiving her flawless disposition. When annoyed, most of us simply desire to be, well… less annoyed. No big secret there! But….when annoyed, we also have the ability to create a small space for ourselves that asks us, “What else could this (doll) mean? Does it have to be annoying? Is there a teachable moment for them or myself within it? Will I simply forever be annoyed with certain things? I hope the answer is a resounding, “No!” as I hate to feel emotionally imprisoned by the external world. In Viktor Frankl’s, Man’s Search for Meaning, the author attributes his ability to survive the Holocaust not merely as luck but on his desire to find meaning or value in his experience and thus being able to WILL himself through pain. In his case, his desire to tell his story and to share the power of the human mind was his impetus for continuing his struggle (despite many of his comrades choosing to give up). In the less dramatic run-ins of our everyday lives we always have the power to ascribe whatever meaning we choose to give an experience. Today, I shall relish in the fact that my little energetic bunny came racing my way to have me dress up her Adventure Barbie, as opposed to the Glamour Barbie! Ahhh….the little victories in life.
It is in everyday annoyances that perception is formed. Is my boss annoying? Are the lines at the grocery store annoying? Must I wait this long for my check? Why are you parking in the handicapped spot?- you look fine! These moments have the most relevant impact on whether or not we merely continue to work on being less annoyed or whether we can be glad Barbie has not yet gone rogue.
Cheers to those who don’t get that annoyed!
It is a peculiar truth that there are things that some of us would forever view as getting in the way of our ideal life, while others oddly (or maybe not so oddly) seem to embrace. One man/woman may view housecleaning as the biggest pain in the donkey, while another pleasantly dances among the airborne dust particles soon to be swept away by an eager joy for domestic sanitation.
To cite a personal example; in fact one that is occurring while I write this post, my youngest daughter, Lucy (3) sprinted toward me just a moment ago asking me if I could put the backpack and helmet on her Biker Barbie Doll. I was prepared to write about the perceived annoyances of fast drivers, slow drivers and uncertain drivers- but I have long wrestled with my feelings on the pros and cons of Barbie and thought this may be more appealing for other parents to ponder.
Because I have always had a seemingly innate fear that my daughters will someday desire a life akin to Barbie’s carefree existence, I’ve often found myself safeguarding their little minds. This has sometimes meant playing keep away from Barbie! Although my annoyance with her has lessened with Mattel’s ability to evolve (slightly), I still find myself thinking, “You will not reduce my girls to desiring physical beauty! Not mine! I will fight you til the end!”
All this useless cognitive distress (however mild) takes away from the likely possibility that it is still just a doll- a plaything! It is one concept of many that my influential little minds will be confronted with. But more importantly, there can be a healthier and less “annoyed” way of perceiving her flawless disposition. When annoyed, most of us simply desire to be, well… less annoyed. No big secret there! But….when annoyed, we also have the ability to create a small space for ourselves that asks us, “What else could this (doll) mean? Does it have to be annoying? Is there a teachable moment for them or myself within it? Will I simply forever be annoyed with certain things? I hope the answer is a resounding, “No!” as I hate to feel emotionally imprisoned by the external world. In Viktor Frankl’s, Man’s Search for Meaning, the author attributes his ability to survive the Holocaust not merely as luck but on his desire to find meaning or value in his experience and thus being able to WILL himself through pain. In his case, his desire to tell his story and to share the power of the human mind was his impetus for continuing his struggle (despite many of his comrades choosing to give up). In the less dramatic run-ins of our everyday lives we always have the power to ascribe whatever meaning we choose to give an experience. Today, I shall relish in the fact that my little energetic bunny came racing my way to have me dress up her Adventure Barbie, as opposed to the Glamour Barbie! Ahhh….the little victories in life.
It is in everyday annoyances that perception is formed. Is my boss annoying? Are the lines at the grocery store annoying? Must I wait this long for my check? Why are you parking in the handicapped spot?- you look fine! These moments have the most relevant impact on whether or not we merely continue to work on being less annoyed or whether we can be glad Barbie has not yet gone rogue.
Cheers to those who don’t get that annoyed!
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
Is There Such Thing as Healthy Arguing?
Is There Such Thing as Healthy Arguing?
Healthy arguing is NOT the absence of arguing- as some might be wishing for. It is arguing with a shared purpose.
To argue is to care. It is to fight for something that you feel strongly about. There is no need to feel guilty for engaging in such a struggle.
However, arguing can often feel as if your partner is attacking or undermining your thoughts instead of considering why you feel so strongly in the first place.
Healthy couples are able to maintain a mindfulness of the greater importance of their relationship more than the mere benefit of winning an argument. They are able to see from their partner's perspective and give it as much attention as their own. These couples are not void of emotion- they are so aware of the emotions of their partner that they are able to both argue their point of view and simultaneously keep the pulse of their loved one in mind.
Arguing one's point of view does not mean being the "sacrificial lamb." It simply means that there is an awareness that both people have a need to be influential, and when arguing takes a combative approach, it is nearly impossible to care about another's perspective.
Couples who have the shared purpose of understanding are able and willing to engage in ANY conflict because they know that their voice will be respected no matter what the disagreement. This is not to suggest that these couple resolve all of their arguments. Instead, they are able to stay emotionally connected and recognize that their relational attachment is greater than any one issue in time. This allows them to use words with care.
"It is better to leave angry words unspoken than to mend a heart those words have broken."
Healthy arguing is NOT the absence of arguing- as some might be wishing for. It is arguing with a shared purpose.
To argue is to care. It is to fight for something that you feel strongly about. There is no need to feel guilty for engaging in such a struggle.
However, arguing can often feel as if your partner is attacking or undermining your thoughts instead of considering why you feel so strongly in the first place.
Healthy couples are able to maintain a mindfulness of the greater importance of their relationship more than the mere benefit of winning an argument. They are able to see from their partner's perspective and give it as much attention as their own. These couples are not void of emotion- they are so aware of the emotions of their partner that they are able to both argue their point of view and simultaneously keep the pulse of their loved one in mind.
Arguing one's point of view does not mean being the "sacrificial lamb." It simply means that there is an awareness that both people have a need to be influential, and when arguing takes a combative approach, it is nearly impossible to care about another's perspective.
Couples who have the shared purpose of understanding are able and willing to engage in ANY conflict because they know that their voice will be respected no matter what the disagreement. This is not to suggest that these couple resolve all of their arguments. Instead, they are able to stay emotionally connected and recognize that their relational attachment is greater than any one issue in time. This allows them to use words with care.
"It is better to leave angry words unspoken than to mend a heart those words have broken."
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
How to Determine the Length of Therapy
Many times clients want a sense of how long they will need to be in therapy. Of course they have the freedom to leave at any moment or session that they choose to never return again- thus, it depends predominately on them. However, for those that entrust the wisdom of therapists there should be a distinction made between those clients that are highly motivated to change and those that are simply appeasing others. For the latter I would suggest less than one session and for the former, an agreed upon time frame can be useful when trying to target goals. This can hold people accountable for trying to genuinely create change outside the therapy walls. However, for those that appreciate the ebb and flow of therapy and the uncertainties in life that keep structured work from always making sense, a time frame may not be a useful concept. In the age of Quick Fixes, it is good practice for therapists to suggest the possibilities that can exist in short and long term treatment. This can then be paired with a client's desire for a timetable or not. I do think their is a place for establishing a time frame- however, this can put an unnecessary pressure on both client and therapist alike. What makes more sense is to have a timetable to take stock of the process of change as oppossed to the achievement of specific goals. The nature of goal setting can be quite productive, so long as it allows for the flexibility to shift gears if the therapy calls for such.
Cheers,
Bryon Remo
Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist
Southbury, CT
Specializing in Couples and Adolescent Issues.
Cheers,
Bryon Remo
Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist
Southbury, CT
Specializing in Couples and Adolescent Issues.
Sunday, April 24, 2011
Working with Hurried People
As a family therapist I am uniquely trained to track the patterns of individuals, couples or families, identify them, interrupt them and help folks develop new insights and opportunities for change. This can often be done quickly, depending on the motivation and willingness of clients. Yet therapy was not historically a quick process- it has evolved to meet the growing demands of change-oriented people in a quick fix world. This is not to suggest that change is not possible in a short period of time as it is and can be quite powerful when people are ready to make that committment. However, when individuals or couples desire change quickly, yet look for a therapist revelation or technique that will finally turn their sinking ship around, they are often in for a rude and frustrating awakening.
Although there are many things that can be done at lightning speed today and at very little hassle for people, they often expect therapy to be no different. Yet therapy by its very essence is an invitation to explore oneself and one's place in their many life contexts. This cannot be done quickly because so many of the painful patterns that exist with clients were developed over the course of several years, if not decades. There are dramatic moments at times yet this is the exception not the rule. Most people need to take a bit of inventory prior to trying on some new hats and experiencing the possibilities that await their changed lives. Those who are seeking quick fixes often find themselves frustrated and constantly searching for that therapist whose gonna give them that trendy intervention or quick fix that will provide them mere symptom relief, yet not sustain them over time.
Although there are many things that can be done at lightning speed today and at very little hassle for people, they often expect therapy to be no different. Yet therapy by its very essence is an invitation to explore oneself and one's place in their many life contexts. This cannot be done quickly because so many of the painful patterns that exist with clients were developed over the course of several years, if not decades. There are dramatic moments at times yet this is the exception not the rule. Most people need to take a bit of inventory prior to trying on some new hats and experiencing the possibilities that await their changed lives. Those who are seeking quick fixes often find themselves frustrated and constantly searching for that therapist whose gonna give them that trendy intervention or quick fix that will provide them mere symptom relief, yet not sustain them over time.
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