There are many ways for couples to maintain closeness. Through caring gestures, patience and compassion couples show each other daily how important they are to one another. There are a myriad of ways to show that you love your partner. Yet one concept seems to stand out among all when determining which couples are likely to be truly happy- the ability to forgive.
Being able to forgive one's partner is a way of saying that the relationship is always more essential than any hurtful action. It is a way of showing an awareness of the human condition. It is also a way in which couples see the opportunity in conflict. Many couple's view arguing as another black mark on the eventual demise of their marriage, when in actuality it could do the opposite. It could be the argument that leads to the understanding necessary for closeness. Marriages often succeed or fail based on how conflict is viewed. Marital therapy can help couples see the importance of becoming comfortable with conflict.
Bryon Remo, M.Ed., LMFT
http://www.remocounseling.citymax.com/bryon_remo_services_1.html
Bryon Remo practices in Southbury, CT and serves West Hartford, Farmington, Watertown, Oxford, Monroe, Roxbury, Naugatuck and other surrounding communities.
Saturday, August 20, 2011
Thursday, August 11, 2011
Couples Who Create Change in Therapy
Couples often come motivated to counseling desiring change. Only the change they desire is solely from their partner. They often fail to view their relationship as a shared responsibility and because of this it creates a competitive element. They lobby hard to sell their virtuosity to a therapist who is only going to level the playing field despite their efforts to polarize the process.
When couples enter therapy with a willingness to be influenced by their partner the possibilities for change become greater. There is a hopeful spirit that tends to surround couples who believe that each is going to do whatever is necessary to mobilize their relationship.
As couples begin sharing their story, it is easy to assess what their intentions are whether or not they are clear in their explanation. There is a way of communicating that is easy to predict whether or not change is possible. When couples are able to provide a space for their partner to voice his/her concerns and can validate such despite disagreeing with it, then optimism begins to permeate the room.
Couples who create change in therapy are those who become increasingly comfortable with tension and do not become paralyzed by it. They are able to see disagreements as opportunities for closeness and understanding as oppossed to threats to their closeness. They are able to view conflict in a way that motivates them to become curious of their partner's view of the world.
When couples enter therapy with a willingness to be influenced by their partner the possibilities for change become greater. There is a hopeful spirit that tends to surround couples who believe that each is going to do whatever is necessary to mobilize their relationship.
As couples begin sharing their story, it is easy to assess what their intentions are whether or not they are clear in their explanation. There is a way of communicating that is easy to predict whether or not change is possible. When couples are able to provide a space for their partner to voice his/her concerns and can validate such despite disagreeing with it, then optimism begins to permeate the room.
Couples who create change in therapy are those who become increasingly comfortable with tension and do not become paralyzed by it. They are able to see disagreements as opportunities for closeness and understanding as oppossed to threats to their closeness. They are able to view conflict in a way that motivates them to become curious of their partner's view of the world.
Friday, July 22, 2011
Energy and the Modern Teenager
Too many teenagers today, besides being bored often seem sluggish and unmotivated. They struggle to entertain themselves and often turn to quick fix options that have no real sustenance. There are many factors that interfere with an adolescent's motivation. However, one undeniable factor is a lack of energy.
Kids are simply not physically moving their bodies enough to rid themselves of the multitude of toxins that invariable invade us all. Outlets such as facebook, texting, video games and television are sedentary tasks that keep individuals from truly experiencing the physical health that is desperately needed by today's youth.
Physical health promotes mental clarity and vice versa. However, it is not merely necessary to think positive. Those thoughts must translate into action steps that achieve real change. Teenagers need encouragement to become active participants in respecting their bodies as an essential (not optional) part of their daily living. Research shows that kids who exercise at least 30 minutes per day are far more likely to experience the mental health needed to make better decisions in their lives.
Another important factor to consider with teenagers is that they must take a closer look at their water consumption. Many people when tired attribute their fatigue with sleeplesnness, depression or hunger, when in fact it is often due to dehydration. Teenagers need to move away from the so-called energy drinks, that are really sugar drinks, and restore their bodies energy through the simplicity of water.
Obviously there are many reasons that lead to adolescents feeling unmotivated and lacking in energy. Each could fill a book or more. However, there is a need to help teenagers avoid the over analyzation of their lack of energy and simply help them devise a plan to bolster it. Much can be done to support adolescents, but movement and water are a great starting point.
Remo Counseling
Bryon Remo, M.Ed., LMFT
http://www.remocounseling.citymax.com/
Kids are simply not physically moving their bodies enough to rid themselves of the multitude of toxins that invariable invade us all. Outlets such as facebook, texting, video games and television are sedentary tasks that keep individuals from truly experiencing the physical health that is desperately needed by today's youth.
Physical health promotes mental clarity and vice versa. However, it is not merely necessary to think positive. Those thoughts must translate into action steps that achieve real change. Teenagers need encouragement to become active participants in respecting their bodies as an essential (not optional) part of their daily living. Research shows that kids who exercise at least 30 minutes per day are far more likely to experience the mental health needed to make better decisions in their lives.
Another important factor to consider with teenagers is that they must take a closer look at their water consumption. Many people when tired attribute their fatigue with sleeplesnness, depression or hunger, when in fact it is often due to dehydration. Teenagers need to move away from the so-called energy drinks, that are really sugar drinks, and restore their bodies energy through the simplicity of water.
Obviously there are many reasons that lead to adolescents feeling unmotivated and lacking in energy. Each could fill a book or more. However, there is a need to help teenagers avoid the over analyzation of their lack of energy and simply help them devise a plan to bolster it. Much can be done to support adolescents, but movement and water are a great starting point.
Remo Counseling
Bryon Remo, M.Ed., LMFT
http://www.remocounseling.citymax.com/
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
Slow the Earth Down!
When I wake up each day and check my email, twitter, linkedin and facebook accounts,I'm often confused as to what level any of it matters. And although I know it has some business and personal relevance, I sometimes find myself questioning at the expense of what else?
I decided long ago that I was not going to plant my children in front of the television simply so that I can get tasks done. I have, however, at times found myself cheating on that goal as I justify some shows as educationally based. Yet each time I measure my little children on the pencil-marked wallpaper that gauges their height, I realize how quickly time truly passes.
Most people would agree that balancing one’s time is an essential ingredient to personal happiness. As a daytime dad, and evening therapist,though, I often find myself immersed in "playland "or enthralled in "problemville," with little in between. It is the online connections that often feel like a nice retreat from both. This isn’t to suggest that I don’t find pleasure in both my children and work, as my kids are so much joy and my work is satisfying. It’s that some adult social time is needed to feel a sense of connectedness to big people, with mature minds, who understand the challenges of being a parent and professional in today’s world.
This generation feels like it is moving at the actual speed of the earth (1,040 miles per hour). In stories I’ve had with my parents and others from past generations they did not experience this crazy pace. Yet as the world turns and time passes it is remembering to stay truly connected to those that matter most. There is no need to feel guilt by stealing some me-time periodically. But this assumes that when we are with the ones we love we are truly WITH with the one’s we love; and not thinking about the next tweet, text, connection, friend, like or group that surrounds our real lives. Our real lives may someday include our virtual lives….for real! But until then and always,”Be wherever you are!”
Saturday, June 25, 2011
Summer Planning Needed!
Summertime can be the most joyous and memory-making time of the year with the family. Yet it can also create the most madness- as scheduling, scheduling blunders and just the idea of schedules in general can be mind numbing.
Whether you are a planner or not, in the summer you should be! Too much can go wrong. Unless of course you live in Montana and have no desire to travel. I sorta envy that thought. Yet, I'm good with not having that thought too. Having a lot to do can be exciting and keep summer interesting (and free of boredom for little people), but it can sometimes take its mental toll on the adult world. Planning in some down time might be just what is needed to maintain the sanity necessary to endure the insanity.
Whatever your plans are for the summer, take a moment to ask yourself- "Is it supposed to be crazy? Is this unavoidable? Can we build in some quiet and relaxed time?" There is a reason that so many long for the serenity of autumn. It is not because the summer does not bring great joy, but rather that the fall represents what we need just a taste of in the summer- a deep breath, a parked car, and maybe some guilt-free non-kid time!
Happy summer! :)
Bryon Remo, M.Ed., LMFT
Whether you are a planner or not, in the summer you should be! Too much can go wrong. Unless of course you live in Montana and have no desire to travel. I sorta envy that thought. Yet, I'm good with not having that thought too. Having a lot to do can be exciting and keep summer interesting (and free of boredom for little people), but it can sometimes take its mental toll on the adult world. Planning in some down time might be just what is needed to maintain the sanity necessary to endure the insanity.
Whatever your plans are for the summer, take a moment to ask yourself- "Is it supposed to be crazy? Is this unavoidable? Can we build in some quiet and relaxed time?" There is a reason that so many long for the serenity of autumn. It is not because the summer does not bring great joy, but rather that the fall represents what we need just a taste of in the summer- a deep breath, a parked car, and maybe some guilt-free non-kid time!
Happy summer! :)
Bryon Remo, M.Ed., LMFT
Friday, June 24, 2011
Maintaining Closeness With Little Free Time
If you live outside of Fairfield County, CT or Orange County, NY, and happen to commute to NYC each day, there is a great chance that you and the person you love do not spend the kind of time together you had imagined when daydreaming on the beach. Spending nearly 4 hours in some mode of transportation each day challenges couples to come up with creative ways to stay connected. And, to be sure, there are numerous ways to communicate (i.e. cellphones & social media); but none have the same feel as when you are in the presence and embrace of your lover.
Couples, therefore, have to invent ways to maintain closeness where little free time exists. It is not, however, as if time does not exist. It is how time is delegated despite its limited amount. Although there are some professions that are more demanding than others, those with limited time must maximize that which they have access to. For example, each morning there is an opportunity to set the alarm clock 15 minutes earlier for brief, but loving intimacy, chatter or coffee with your spouse. Not much, I know, but in creating sustaining relationships, it is often the small experiences that represents the glue which keeps love alive despite the race against the clock. When entering the door, there is often a need to decompress. This can be done through taking a hottub, watching t.v., checking emails, surfing the net, eating, etc. Or........connecting with your partner. And perhaps doing any of the above with them. Again, little time, but it is a choice how that time will look and feel.
It would seem essential for couples where one dwells in a vehicle for 1/10 of his or her existence to take care of one's health, to allow for the energy needed to stay truly present when arriving home after dinner hours. If life is reduced to work, whereby post-work becomes the "tired hours," then little closeness is likely to take place. Research shows that adults who exercise on a regular basis and maintain quality nutrition typically require less sleep than their counterparts. This adds up to free time with one's partner where others may already be snoring.
I am always interested in hearing people's thoughts on how they find ways to stay close to one another. I would love to hear your feedback that I would be happy to spread.
Cheers to love! :)
Bryon
http://www.remocounseling.com/
Couples, therefore, have to invent ways to maintain closeness where little free time exists. It is not, however, as if time does not exist. It is how time is delegated despite its limited amount. Although there are some professions that are more demanding than others, those with limited time must maximize that which they have access to. For example, each morning there is an opportunity to set the alarm clock 15 minutes earlier for brief, but loving intimacy, chatter or coffee with your spouse. Not much, I know, but in creating sustaining relationships, it is often the small experiences that represents the glue which keeps love alive despite the race against the clock. When entering the door, there is often a need to decompress. This can be done through taking a hottub, watching t.v., checking emails, surfing the net, eating, etc. Or........connecting with your partner. And perhaps doing any of the above with them. Again, little time, but it is a choice how that time will look and feel.
It would seem essential for couples where one dwells in a vehicle for 1/10 of his or her existence to take care of one's health, to allow for the energy needed to stay truly present when arriving home after dinner hours. If life is reduced to work, whereby post-work becomes the "tired hours," then little closeness is likely to take place. Research shows that adults who exercise on a regular basis and maintain quality nutrition typically require less sleep than their counterparts. This adds up to free time with one's partner where others may already be snoring.
I am always interested in hearing people's thoughts on how they find ways to stay close to one another. I would love to hear your feedback that I would be happy to spread.
Cheers to love! :)
Bryon
http://www.remocounseling.com/
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
To Be or Not to Be “Annoyed”
The very thing that we strive to avoid or at least minimize has, perhaps, the greatest benefit to our capacity to move toward our desired life. No, I’m not talking about big picture concepts such as finances or long term planning. I’m talking about daily annoyances (i.e. the freakin’ laundry and dirty dishes). Little ones, medium ones and big ones! Are they really annoying or do you just get easily annoyed?
It is a peculiar truth that there are things that some of us would forever view as getting in the way of our ideal life, while others oddly (or maybe not so oddly) seem to embrace. One man/woman may view housecleaning as the biggest pain in the donkey, while another pleasantly dances among the airborne dust particles soon to be swept away by an eager joy for domestic sanitation.
To cite a personal example; in fact one that is occurring while I write this post, my youngest daughter, Lucy (3) sprinted toward me just a moment ago asking me if I could put the backpack and helmet on her Biker Barbie Doll. I was prepared to write about the perceived annoyances of fast drivers, slow drivers and uncertain drivers- but I have long wrestled with my feelings on the pros and cons of Barbie and thought this may be more appealing for other parents to ponder.
Because I have always had a seemingly innate fear that my daughters will someday desire a life akin to Barbie’s carefree existence, I’ve often found myself safeguarding their little minds. This has sometimes meant playing keep away from Barbie! Although my annoyance with her has lessened with Mattel’s ability to evolve (slightly), I still find myself thinking, “You will not reduce my girls to desiring physical beauty! Not mine! I will fight you til the end!”
All this useless cognitive distress (however mild) takes away from the likely possibility that it is still just a doll- a plaything! It is one concept of many that my influential little minds will be confronted with. But more importantly, there can be a healthier and less “annoyed” way of perceiving her flawless disposition. When annoyed, most of us simply desire to be, well… less annoyed. No big secret there! But….when annoyed, we also have the ability to create a small space for ourselves that asks us, “What else could this (doll) mean? Does it have to be annoying? Is there a teachable moment for them or myself within it? Will I simply forever be annoyed with certain things? I hope the answer is a resounding, “No!” as I hate to feel emotionally imprisoned by the external world. In Viktor Frankl’s, Man’s Search for Meaning, the author attributes his ability to survive the Holocaust not merely as luck but on his desire to find meaning or value in his experience and thus being able to WILL himself through pain. In his case, his desire to tell his story and to share the power of the human mind was his impetus for continuing his struggle (despite many of his comrades choosing to give up). In the less dramatic run-ins of our everyday lives we always have the power to ascribe whatever meaning we choose to give an experience. Today, I shall relish in the fact that my little energetic bunny came racing my way to have me dress up her Adventure Barbie, as opposed to the Glamour Barbie! Ahhh….the little victories in life.
It is in everyday annoyances that perception is formed. Is my boss annoying? Are the lines at the grocery store annoying? Must I wait this long for my check? Why are you parking in the handicapped spot?- you look fine! These moments have the most relevant impact on whether or not we merely continue to work on being less annoyed or whether we can be glad Barbie has not yet gone rogue.
Cheers to those who don’t get that annoyed!
It is a peculiar truth that there are things that some of us would forever view as getting in the way of our ideal life, while others oddly (or maybe not so oddly) seem to embrace. One man/woman may view housecleaning as the biggest pain in the donkey, while another pleasantly dances among the airborne dust particles soon to be swept away by an eager joy for domestic sanitation.
To cite a personal example; in fact one that is occurring while I write this post, my youngest daughter, Lucy (3) sprinted toward me just a moment ago asking me if I could put the backpack and helmet on her Biker Barbie Doll. I was prepared to write about the perceived annoyances of fast drivers, slow drivers and uncertain drivers- but I have long wrestled with my feelings on the pros and cons of Barbie and thought this may be more appealing for other parents to ponder.
Because I have always had a seemingly innate fear that my daughters will someday desire a life akin to Barbie’s carefree existence, I’ve often found myself safeguarding their little minds. This has sometimes meant playing keep away from Barbie! Although my annoyance with her has lessened with Mattel’s ability to evolve (slightly), I still find myself thinking, “You will not reduce my girls to desiring physical beauty! Not mine! I will fight you til the end!”
All this useless cognitive distress (however mild) takes away from the likely possibility that it is still just a doll- a plaything! It is one concept of many that my influential little minds will be confronted with. But more importantly, there can be a healthier and less “annoyed” way of perceiving her flawless disposition. When annoyed, most of us simply desire to be, well… less annoyed. No big secret there! But….when annoyed, we also have the ability to create a small space for ourselves that asks us, “What else could this (doll) mean? Does it have to be annoying? Is there a teachable moment for them or myself within it? Will I simply forever be annoyed with certain things? I hope the answer is a resounding, “No!” as I hate to feel emotionally imprisoned by the external world. In Viktor Frankl’s, Man’s Search for Meaning, the author attributes his ability to survive the Holocaust not merely as luck but on his desire to find meaning or value in his experience and thus being able to WILL himself through pain. In his case, his desire to tell his story and to share the power of the human mind was his impetus for continuing his struggle (despite many of his comrades choosing to give up). In the less dramatic run-ins of our everyday lives we always have the power to ascribe whatever meaning we choose to give an experience. Today, I shall relish in the fact that my little energetic bunny came racing my way to have me dress up her Adventure Barbie, as opposed to the Glamour Barbie! Ahhh….the little victories in life.
It is in everyday annoyances that perception is formed. Is my boss annoying? Are the lines at the grocery store annoying? Must I wait this long for my check? Why are you parking in the handicapped spot?- you look fine! These moments have the most relevant impact on whether or not we merely continue to work on being less annoyed or whether we can be glad Barbie has not yet gone rogue.
Cheers to those who don’t get that annoyed!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)